Crossroads pt. 1

Can I see myself falling or calling it quits?
My heart, it spasms, and my brain is in fits.
I can’t put my finger on just what this is -
But I feel a push and a pull and a tug in each kiss.
I’m a rotting ladder, and I can’t hold your weight
— Broken rungs that disintegrate.
I’ve been boarded like a freight train going two-hundred-and-eight;
The mass of the world causes my tires to deflate.
I’ve got nowhere to climb, no destination in sight
And I cement these walls with all of my might
Before you climb to the top and let yourself inside
Before you shoot down my door and steal my pride.
Like the Titanic, I’m sinking — I’m thinking its over;
But then you’re back for more of this roller-coaster.
I panic, I’m stagnant — I freeze in the headlights -
I fight for my right to hide in plain sight.
For I want you to find me, I want your lead bullet
Under my skin, pierced in my heart
So something finally fills it.
Do I stay in the line of fire?
Or do I build these walls hire?
I don’t know, because in my eyes everybody is a liar.
And that includes you — and your charm — and your grin
But I’d be a liar too if I said I didn't want to let you in.
You've given me no reason to scratch, claw and bite
But my defenses are up, so I just might
Inch a little closer, than take a step back —
Because when you hold me like that, I’m under attack.
It’s ingrained in my demeanor, but you’re the ‘intervener’.
I have to remind myself it’s all in my mind;
It’s the mania, it’s the illness — it’s part of the ride.
To be unable to see the good that’s in front of my face
To be unable to pace myself — to let a person into my space.
I’d rather pry their fingers off the doorway
And push them out if they try or imply
That they want me as more, for I will deny that it’s possible
And I will only feel that I ought to do more
To keep this lock on my door — to give up on trying anymore.
I’m stuck between my wall and your bullet -
And to love — well I’m just trying to find the best way to do it.