Finding Structure at Home: Personal Growth in Isolation
Just over a year ago, I self isolated by choice.
I left the town I’d lived in for nearly two decades, quit my job (which I enjoyed just fine), left my friends (who I love very much) and moved to a new city where I didn’t know anyone. It wasn’t for a new job or school; I wanted to hit reset, learn more about myself, and grow as a human.
I’m writing this in April 2020, when a lot of people I know are sheltering in place. This is a sort of government-mandated opportunity to do a little introspection. I’ve done this by choice before, so doing it again doesn’t feel as awful as it could. I hope that sharing lessons from my experience might be helpful to you, to find structure and growth on your own.
Some disclaimers
I had over a year to think about, plan, and prepare for my personal ‘reset.’ Obviously this isn’t always the case. Whether you are reading this during the COVID-19 pandemic or during some other, amazing, non-pandemic future time, keep in mind that your mileage very much will vary.
Setting your own new norm in isolation
Being stuck with only yourself as company leads to a lot of self discovery, in many forms, but only if you let it happen. In order to get something productive out of this time with yourself, you’ll have to start by being okay with yourself. Harsh self-judgment does not set a precedent for self-love.
What this means is: there needs to be a period of time where you are just you. This time period should have some sort of restriction on it, partly so you know how long you can chill out, and partly so you know how long, at minimum, you need to be forgiving and loving of yourself. For me, this ended up being about two weeks.
Actually hitting reset
I know that after any stressful event, I need time to relax and indulge. I gave myself two weeks without expectations; to play pointless phone games, read trashy comics, watch videos of a woman trying to make her Sim have as many babies as possible. I took a lot of baths. I finished an arts and crafts project I had put off since I was nine years old. My sleep schedule became absolute garbage.
Note: please, please don’t indulge in things that will harm your body, your mind, or the well-being of others.
Listen to your tendencies
I usually feel pretty awful after I ‘waste’ a lot of time this way. I can’t say that this two week ‘reset’ lessened that feeling, but it did help me recognize my natural tendencies, while giving me permission to avoid the vicious cycle of stressing about my bad habits, leading me to de-stress by indulging in my bad habits, leading me to stress out, etc.
From this time period, I learned a few things about myself:
- Overly reliant on technology.
I had decided on a whim not to set up internet at my apartment for a month, to help me unplug. Turns out, I just spent my entire day on my phone’s data connection, desperately scrolling, desperately trying to find something else to do that was on the screen, and not in real life.
I distinctly remember putting my phone down out of disgust, and hearing a voice in my head telling me about how incredibly awful I would feel if I didn’t pick that phone back up, and find something, anything to consume.
Feeling this so strongly confirmed what I kind of already rationally knew: technology had me wrapped around its little finger. But having this experience keeps me a little more aware, helps me a little better at minimizing my screen time. - Addiction to productivity.
I also realized that I felt like garbage unless I did something I considered ‘productive’ each day.
The bar for this has varied throughout my life, but it is always there. I didn’t realize that I put this expectation on myself until I witnessed myself doing it. I would start spiraling, thinking that I hadn’t done anything, and worrying about it for a few hours, rather than spending that time doing… anything. - Structure helps.
I deliberately set forth on this self-isolation without structure, which let me appreciate it all the more. Turns out I actually like structure, if it’s done on my terms. I found it helpful to write down a list every day, starting with really, really small stuff, like make tea, and remember to drink it before it gets too cold. Being able to cross off just one or two things off a list helps me realize I am a functioning and capable human, and gives me momentum for the day. - Over-ambition.
I am naturally an ambitious person. The things that I hoard — art supplies, books, crafting projects, stickers, programming projects, design tools — remind me of potential, which makes me excited. But realistically, I can’t do all the things I want to do in a day, or even in a lifetime. It is still hard for me to accept this. But, measuring my dreams against what I realistically do in a day helped to ground me. - Under-ambition.
Alternately, I also sought to be deeply self-forgiving. It’s an odd balance between being loving of myself, and being too gentle such that I don’t grow. I know there were some days where the only things I’d done that day were drink tea, eat my vitamins, and brush my teeth. Hey, at least that’s… something?
Outside of the lessons I’d learned from this process (and the weeks following), I picked up habits that I knew would keep me feeling and staying well. I am better hydrated and more self aware now. I know my healthy habits, I know my unhealthy ones. It still surprises me how much more easily I can approach situations now, knowing myself intimately enough to know how best I can approach a challenge, and what will cause me to get into some thought spiral.
Organizing your thoughts on your journey
There are two types of people in the world: people who are obsessed with journaling, and people who are not. I know this isn’t for everyone. But if I don’t journal for a while, my head clouds up. When I write in a place that is private and unfiltered, all my problems seem to shrink and shrink, until they melt away. It’s just the kind of self-introspection I need to feel better and take on the day (or week or month).
When I was feeling a lot of feelings, or could not seem to resolve a thought spiral, journaling did the trick. But, it doesn’t have to be journaling. Any act that helps you organize your thoughts, ground them, put them out of your head, and clear your mind will be helpful. Meditation might work. Exercise could be it. Calling up a friend. Knitting, perhaps. I don’t know. I just know that I needed that external outlet, a black box where I could put the thoughts that I didn’t want to have anymore.
Ramping up, ramping down
Just as there is a ‘reset’ period, you’ll probably want to have some time to go back to ‘normal’ life. I had the privilege of having time to ease back into being an everyday human who understood how to function amongst others. I imagine when the stay-at-home order ends at some point, we will all have a shared ramp-up time where we get used to living live as ‘normal’ again. The only advice I can share for this is: it isn’t going to be instant. Things will feel weird, but hopefully you’ll be a little more aware of yourself, your needs, and what is best for you.
Some actual tips
Personal projects
If ‘reset’ time doesn’t work for you, or if you find yourself drawn to tasks that direct your attention more outward, perhaps setting up some personal projects will give you the drive and structure you need. If you’re anything like me, you have a million projects in mind that it might be hard to choose one. You could write a list and, in the order you wrote them, work on your ideas. (That might help with choice paralysis.)
Set boundaries for time and space: when you want to work on personal projects, and where this project will live. Setting up an environment and a schedule will help anchor you, and make it feel real.
If you’re not like me, you probably know exactly what you want to do — what are you waiting for? This is a blog post, not a person. You can leave. Go. Do. :)
Feelings will feel bigger
When there is so much less external stimulus, small actions will play a much bigger role in your life, and how you feel about your day. During this time, how strangers looked at me, or how friends spoke to me in a short time span, affected me more than I want to admit.
It helped me move past this by remembering that feelings will pass, and doing lots of self reflection. I would write a journal entry describing what happened, how I felt about it, and by the end of it I would realize how and why I was feeling that way.
Living with others
There is value to specified alone time — time separate from ‘work’ time, from ‘productive’ time. Give yourself some time to be ‘off’ for a while. Make it as regular as you need it to be.
If you are living with roommates, family, loved ones, set that boundary. I find that a closed door helps make the space feel like it’s yours. Sometimes that isn’t available, and headphones and facing the other way might have to do.
Self-reflection
However you do it, check in with yourself. Often. Something might work for you for a little bit, but it might stop working after a while. That’s pretty human. We don’t often get the chance to reflect, rest, and grow. Why not enjoy it? Time invested in yourself is never wasted.
Flexibility
Things are extremely up in the air. That’s the case now, obviously, but technically, it’s the case all the time.
Things will change. Perhaps you give yourself structure only to have it torn down the next day, week, or hour. That’s okay! You can get back to structure, if you want to. You can change it up, if you want to, anytime. Remember that you have that choice. I need to remind myself of this, all the time.
Summary
Coming out of isolation, I had a clearer mind, stronger heart, and better picture of what I was, and what I wanted.
I won’t say that I had all the answers, because I extremely very much do not. But, having to stay at home for an extended period of time outside of my control isn’t as bad as it could have been, because I know what works best for me. I find my best self when I maintain structure, self-reflection, forgiveness, and a yearning for growth.
I hope you can find what you seek.
And, feel free to reach out if you want a connection.
