#A Look at Life — About Empathy.
It is utterly shocking for me to have experienced lots of epiphanies through this pandemic era. One of the highlights would be to acknowledge that some people are apparently that sick. It’s like I’m in a world where empathy has been redefined to how much you have spent, in comparison with others, to support something or someone. It evokes a question in my mind, to how I define that empathy myself?
Growing up, I always feel restless for the fact that I hardly feel emotions towards anything that’s supposed to be empathized for. It’s not exactly that there’s no emotion at all — it’s more of that I rather could not show those empathetic gestures that easily, as some people sometimes expects from someone to comfort them. I remember back then when I was in high school, while my friends and I were chatting about family matters at my home, at some point, one of my friends suddenly bursted out into tears as she revealed that her father has long died. Later on, she told the story about how he died and how she missed him so much. As the story went on, my other friends were starting to look at this one friend of mine with teary eyes, holding her hands and giving pats on her shoulders. Me? Well, I just sit there and listened to her story carefully throughout. Long after that, there was a time, again, in a similar conversation I’ve had with my friends where someone, out of the blue, pointed out: “Exactly like Jasmine (me), who showed literally no expression when she told the story of her (my friend’s) father,”.
Let me tell you, I was so terrified.
I was terrified of turning into some sort of psychopath or a seemingly cold-hearted bitch.
Beforehand, the reason why this anxiety gets me into deep thinking again is because after a long time feeling somewhat numb, there’s finally a clue — coming out after some friend told me about his anxiety on how he sees himself as an uncaring, selfish person:
Me : Well, do you have any troubles with empathizing?
Him : Sometimes I question my morality as I’m having trouble with it. Perhaps it’s because I tend to be more rational when I’m thinking on how to approach someone’s story properly. Does this or that person genuinely in need of our empathy or not?
Here’s the fact. Both of us are currently studying engineering and perhaps, this common ground that we share has something to do with that. Since I can’t speak for him, so let’s just contemplate through my own story, as per usual!
Not to boast or anything, I think that some sort of engineer’s soul has long been subconsciously instilled and becomes more and more ingrained in me since I’m, in fact, practicing to own that myself. I am trained to look and analyze everything and beyond and sometimes, I forget, there is a line in-between the logic and the heart. Emotions, as they say, are indescribable and when they cannot be logically explained by a clear root cause as emotions are tend to be a constellation of intersected events, it’s become frustrating — just like all engineering problems felt like at first. It may sounds evil, but my way to prevent further dwelling in that frustration is by asking some questions to clarify so that I could fully comprehend the situation — on my own and sometimes, bluntly to the person who’s speaking to me. I can’t no longer seem to accept the answer of “just because,”. I actually just realize this now, as I remember the conversations I’ve had with my college friends. After thinking it again, I never intend to judge. It’s just the way of me and perhaps, some of my friends to help in a way to provoke something in someone that might’ve become felt numb or unthinkable since they might’ve drowned into devastation, anger or a prolonged sadness. I rarely gives emotional support because I find it often not helping (at least, to my preference) and I’m also terribly awkward with it. To be simply described, most of the times, my empathy goes to the extent, “Alright, I’ve got your point,”. So, yes, empathy to me requires rationality which leads to acceptance. To get to that point, it takes longer time. It’s in fact, sometimes, purposeful, I suppose, as I also seek to develop a non-superficial connection with the person who tells his/her story to me.
Apparently, the phrase ‘putting yourself in other person’s shoes’ as empathy’s always been defined is a difficult task, especially when you’re hardly ever in a struggling state. In that case, it seems utterly selfish and unethical to translate what you believe to calm the other person. Growing up, I realize that the reason why I often perceived as a non-emotive person or rather an invulnerable person is because I always think that there’s got to be a bigger problem than mine out there. Also, I’ve always been taught to be grateful for anything that God has given to me everyday. So, to hear my problem, it would be just a burden for other people. The reason why those principles work stems from what I’ve been accustomed to during my time growing up — seeing and hearing stories in a rather complex neighborhood that I’m living in. But, if that justification is translated into words of empathy, I practically just sugarcoat the real world that the other person is currently living in. To put it simply, it’s toxic positivity. I realize that I’ve been doing it for more than once and now, I feel terrible. The other mistake that I’ve made would be my basic instinct to find a line of similarity between me and the other person through experiences. For my case, it’s even harder, because apparently, my life is just that different (re: I hardly go through the same experience)!
As I’m writing this, I realize that maybe I’m not that evil. It’s okay to have that empathy gap as I am in fact, human and empathizing is not a competition where faster speed is required order to win one’s heart. I am actually quite proud to be able to set that kind of boundary in allowing other people’s reality into my ‘own version’ of reality. What’s considered dangerous for me is when a person become so self-absorbed when they try to empathize to a degree where they somehow has ‘become’ the person who’s having problems. Furthermore, I think my approach could drive both the person I’m helping with and I to become more assertive and wise in navigating our own life for whenever the times we encounter similar situations. I just have to find a way to practice — for now, I hope it’ll be through some times of living alone and volunteering in somewhere afar. After all, what I yearn is to simply become a human who embraces empathy in their core. In particular, the kind of empathy when I know properly when’s the right time to put aside my confirmation bias.
To be duly noted, what I’ve been talking about are clearly in the context of empathizing for personal life matters. It’s absolutely unquestionable for matters regarding social issues and human rights which we all basically have to strive in order to sustain, prosper and coexist together peacefully. That kind of empathy should not be forced in the context of asking everyone to publicly and sometimes, immediately, state their take and act to realize their take. Is it not enough to just listen, pray and shut up? Some things are better explained by passing the mic, for God’s sake.
Now, I’m wondering, to what extent do the doctors and psychiatrists put their empathy to understand their patients, though?
Speaking about volunteering and empathy, we all might be aware of this devastating situation and if we could, lend a hand to help:
