A New Normalcy

What is normal for me now? This is something I have been thinking about heavily for the past few days. After being diagnosed, it has been hard figuring out what my life is. And I don’t mean in a existential/life’s purpose/ having cancer kind of way at all. It’s more of just having the sense of having a simple daily routine.
I won’t be able to have my next bone marrow biopsy for some time, which will prolong my stay in the hospital. I would be lying if I said I was okay or fine with that. In ways, this has made me accept that I have to figure out how to cope with my disease on a very real and day by day basis. I can’t sit and wait for things to just get better.
In a sense, every since I’ve been in the hospital, I’ve been on a delay. A form of moving through the motions I suppose. Get chemotherapy, listen to the doctors, take a shower, etc. Just keep moving forward and things will work themselves out. I’m starting to realize this isn’t exactly working for me anymore. I’m getting more upset and angry as the days go on — which is to be expected of course — but I’m also realizing I need to figure out what my new normal and day to day will be with this leukemia.
Today, I put pictures my family have brought in the cupboard, because I realized I don’t like discussing them all time. I told my parents not to come if I don’t want to see them. I’ve been binge-watching the O.C. because it has felt good to worry about other people’s problems. I did some light body exercises because I know I have been ignoring my resentments towards my body. I’m finally starting to take care of financial affairs and make steps towards accomplishing a new task every day.
My new normalcy is waking up every day and figuring out how to cope on my own terms. My life has forever changed from this experience. I think it’s time I finally start allowing myself to change and adapt too.
