My Ayahuasca Manifesto: 6 Insights To Bring Back to Conventional Reality
I spent 5 days in the Amazon jungle for a self-development retreat integrated with natural medicines. Here’s what I’m bringing back with me to the “real world.”
Viva Air is the Spirit Airlines of Latin America. I made it to the Lima airport with plenty of time but almost missed my flight.
When I got to the front of security they rejected my mobile boarding pass. I had to go back down to the check-in desk to get the paper version. They only accept printed boarding passes.
The woman at the desk said they were closing in two minutes and I barely made it. Printing my pass was an additional 110 Soles (~$35 USD), and I would have to check my bag (which was a carry-on for most airlines), costing me another 150 Soles. I clenched my bag in hand, regretting my negligence to never read airline policies. It’s 4:45am and at this point I can’t muster more than a frustrated sigh as I hand over my credit card.
I got through security and boarded the flight.
There was a group of us meeting for 5 days in Santa Maria, a village along the Amazon River bank for an integrated self-development program by Kristina Liu. Her program focused on different topics such as:
Health, Relationships, Finances, & Self-Awareness.
A huge allure to her programming was the integration of plant and animal medicines from the jungle. During our time there we would experiment with many natural medicines and healing remedies. Among them:
Kambo, Ayahuasca, & San Pedro.
She previously came to this compound, and worked with local shamans and natural health practitioners. That experience inspired her to share the experience with others, and create her own program in partnership with them.
The First Leg: Iquitos to Santa Maria
We landed in Iquitos, a larger village in the Amazon, and the only airport in the area. The town seemed to have more Motorcycle taxis than people.
Iquitos is a tourist destination for those trekking into the Amazon, seemingly most of the time for Ayahuasca. Restaurants advertise a version of their menus called the “Ayahuasca diet.”
It’s crucial to avoid red meat, oil, spicy food, salt, and sugar (and sex) for days beforehand to enhance the effectiveness of the plant. I enjoyed one of the best Avocado smoothies I’ve had to date, and we prepared ourselves for the boat ride ahead.
From Iquitos we took an hour boat ride to Santa Maria. There were multiple stops along the way, and ours was last. Other families and individuals were hauling supplies and food with them on the boat. It occurred to me as they were dropped off along different banks of the Amazon river that their villages don’t have these supplies, and they must travel by boat to Iquitos to get them.
I was fascinated by this different way of life. Growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area, everything I ever needed (and didn’t need) was always within a few blocks. I realized how much we as humans bring complexities into our own lives. Once we get beyond a certain hierarchical level of basic needs, we tend to crave more, thus simultaneously require more complications. It’s ironic that it took me exposure to this type of environment to realize how simple living actually is.
This became a theme during my time there — noticing the simplicity of life in the jungle. People just lived. They didn’t have expansive shopping malls, complicated scheduling demands, or fancy cars. Kids didn’t need an iPad and headphones to keep them busy at expensive restaurants. They splashed each other in the river, content with seeing who could stay on a log the longest, pushing each other off while laughing hysterically. I liked seeing that.
When we docked and unloaded from the boat, a pack of dogs ran up to us. We walked up a muddy hill to the compound, which consisted of a larger lodge with 3 or 4 rooms with bunk beds, a large living space, an upstairs patio with hammocks, and too many free range chickens to count.
There were many people in and out of the larger house — cooks, natural health practitioners, shamans, house keeps, etc.
There was another lodge in the back with three separate rooms and beds. There were three of us, each with a room in the smaller lodge, taking part of the program.
I knew the guy from Texas, a fellow traveler on our Remote Year program, but didn’t know was going to be there. There was another gentleman from Lima, Peru, who apparently found out about the program from Instagram. I immediately rejoiced seeing one particular thing in our rooms that was priceless during our stay — mosquito nets. We also had a back patio with hammocks overlooking the jungle.
We settled in and over the next few days broke down group and individual barriers that we would all say, made us better people by the time we left.
The first two days we primed our minds — reflecting on our values, mission statements, life purpose, and physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
We ate hearty, organic, and tasty meals each day — which the cooks made with the Ayahuasca diet in mind.
We spent time reading the literature available in the house, relaxing on the hammocks, meditating, doing yoga, and I was even able to lead a workout one of the mornings. I didn’t have cell service for 5 days. I don’t remember the last time I went that long without it. It was liberating not to think about checking my messages, emails, or social media.
There was a hum of excitement and anticipation the night of the Ayahuasca ceremony.
The morning of, we cleansed ourselves with Kambo — a secretion of frog poison, which contains hundreds of peptides.
You apply just a couple drops into your bloodstream through small burns on your arm.
It’s highly unpleasant.
I felt a rush of heat and pressure that moved into your head almost immediately when it was applied. It’s meant to “flush out your system.”
And oh, it does.
For about 20–30 minutes you find yourself hugging a bucket or hanging over a toilet waiting to take a cold shower afterward. Kambo is said to rid the body of old bile, and concentrations of toxins that have accumulated, the perfect preparation for Ayahuasca to ensure you receive the maximum connection with the plant.
The more I learned about plant medicines on this trip the more I learned about the sacred practice of “purging.” When your body gets rid of waste, the widespread belief is that you are ridding yourself of bad energy, emotions, and spirit.
After a quick Kambo nap, I was back in full force, had lunch, and we assembled for the night we were anxiously awaiting. The shamans got there earlier in the day, a man and his wife, who had a combined experience of close to 40 years with plant medicines.
Another observation I had was the use of the word “medicines.” I never heard any of the natural health practitioners, shamans, or anyone on the compound use the word “drugs.”
I think there’s a huge stigma in the US regarding some of these substances, because they are not legal there. But here, in the rain forest, it seems like every plant can help cure something. We went on a walk in the jungle during one of the days with a guide — and everywhere he pointed was a plant that could help with diabetes, AIDS, anxiety, fever, headache, ANYTHING.
I was blown away by the resourcefulness of this culture and it made me question everything I knew about traditional “medicine” and “drugs,” and the institutions that produce them.
The ceremony began that night. It was the four of us, two shamans, and one experienced spotter, a woman in the room who was not drinking the tea to ensure our safety.
What I experienced that night was somewhere between 4–7 hours of the most paradoxically clarifying and confusing series of events that have occurred in my life.
I chose to speak the most about this portion of the trip because it was the most impactful and was my main reason for going in the first place.
My attempt to explain it might not make sense to you.
My reaction the next day was to question myself, and ask,
“Was that real?”
As I reflected more on the situation, I asked a more important question:
“What makes anything real?”
I came to the conclusion that the realities I faced during my Ayahuasca ceremony were as legitimate as any “reality” I experienced outside of it.
If you do find it difficult to understand, I wouldn’t blame you. To some who’ve experimented with Ayahuasca, or similar substances — you may be able to relate.
During the ceremony I felt not only aware of everything happening, but an even deeper consciousness than I’ve ever experienced.
My intention of sharing these thoughts is to challenge you.
To challenge you to question the status quo of your own reality.
To wake up your search for a higher consciousness.
It can be easy to interpret and attribute what I say below as just some DMT induced hallucinations. But to me, that’s a cop out, and you’re completely missing the point.
There’s a reason these plants have been used by native civilizations for centuries, and they’ve withstood the test of time. There’s value in opening your mind to new perspectives, and trying new things.
Being open is the only way to move toward a path to self-actualization.
The insights I took from this journey, while sometimes occurring during what seemed to be insanely irrational circumstances, gave practical application to my life as a whole. I hope you can take something from them too.
If you are interested in understanding more about the science of these chemicals, do research on the pineal gland, DMT, and the history of plant medicine. The following is what I consider the start of my own journey, and exposure to a new pathway of my mind…
The Start of Ceremony
The room was pitch black, other than an ominous glow from the full moon which peered into the lodge from above.
There were mats spread about, all of us sitting upright, looking toward the front of the room as the two shamans smoked Mapacho, a sacred tobacco, to “clean” the environment.
The Shaman’s wife came around to each one of us, took a swig of some liquid in her mouth and spit it like a spray bottle over our heads. I didn’t know what it was but it actually smelled good, which partially made up for her spitting it on me.
The shamans lit a candle, and we all sat in silence.
One by one we were called to the makeshift altar. We accepted our offerings — a shot glass of Ayahuasca — which resembled a bitter, earthy, thick syrup, with a strong aftertaste. I gulped mine down after meditating on it for a few moments. I whispered my thanks, stood back up and walked back to my mat.
After we all drank, the shamans last, they blew out the candle. We played the waiting game. Aya takes up to an hour to view the affects, and I could feel a tension among the room as a half hour went by, all of us still sitting up, straight, unaffected.
I started questioning if I was going to feel anything.
Some people don’t, especially during their first ceremony, and I resolved to be patient. Each passing moment I almost willed myself into tripping.
After about an hour I was feeling drowsy, and a little numb. For the most part, I felt normal, and when I was offered another drink, I took it. I wanted to play full out.
Setting My Intention
It’s important to go into Ayahuasca with intention. The shamans say it works better if you speak with the plant and ask “her” questions. When you go into it with an open mind, full of curiosity, and low expectations, that’s when it works best for you.
My path to Ayahuasca has been non-linear.
When I was younger I experimented, like many teens and early 20 year olds with hallucinogens and drugs. I’m not proud of some of the things I did, but I’ve long since accepted my past, and appreciate the perspective it’s given me today.
The biggest difference with Ayahuasca was my intention.
From 17–22 years old I experimented with psilocybin (shrooms), LSD, Sativa, MDMA, and Ecstasy, but my motivation was never to seek enlightenment.
I was just a lost kid who wanted to get high.
Within the last few years I’ve committed to self-improvement, largely cutting out substances — quitting tobacco, alcohol, and even coffee in the process. But something about these plant medicines spoke to me.
Many top performers, high achievers, and alternative medicine practitioners swear by the effects of Aya. And being as I was in Peru for the entire month of January, it was a natural urge of mine to discover Aya’s roots, and try it within the context of “legal, safe, and authentic” means.
What was I looking for?
A lot.
My life continually challenges me with questions about my identity, ego, relationships with my family, friends, and romance. I wonder about my dependence and attachment to material possessions, my mindset, my tendency to judge others, and my need for uncertainty.
I knew if I brought these thoughts into the ceremony, I would get something out of it. I wasn’t sure what, but I tempered my expectations, and was prepared for any answers I received.
I’m Feeling It
An hour and a half or so passed. The shamans were starting to sing. The energy in the room shifted.
As I opened my eyes my environment was dramatically different.
It was brighter, but also darker than I remember.
The mood was grim, I felt like I had crossed a threshold into a spiritual world. It was almost as if someone put a grayscale filter over my eyes, turned up the exposure slightly, and increased the contrast. It resembled a scene from the “Resident Evil,” video game.
The people around me were more figures of energy than people, although I could make out their silhouettes. It wasn’t scary. It was oddly comforting. I felt OK and even privileged to pass into this new world.
Below are a series of realizations during my ceremony and how I plan to apply them to conventional “reality.”
1. Time’s an Infinite Loop Providing Delusion & Clarity
While in mid-ceremony, there were times I would lay fully back on my mat and marvel at the pace which my thoughts were racing. It’s as if we, as a group, had stripped away the conventional concepts of time and allowed our minds and bodies to explore the unknown.
The loop of infinite time and space provided both delusion and clarity. I was living in a paradox that seemed indescribable. We all recognized the same loop, and we shared a collective, unified consciousness.
Life is but a series of moments.
For the first time I could comprehend these moments, one after another. I often get “in my head” and it seems impossible to be present in my day-to-day. The illusion of the future and the past keep us there. In this alternate reality, I didn’t have that problem. For the first time I felt I wasn’t constrained by those illusions. I had not only permission to stay in the paradox, but the ability to.
The truth is: there is ONLY now. There’s no future. No past.
I question the concept of time as I come back to conventional reality:
- What is my relationship to time?
- What reality of time do I actually live?
- Who else has experienced the different constructs of time that I have?
I’m actively seeking others who have similar questions and appreciate sharing insights and experiences about time.
2. My Mind is a Playground Without Limits
There’s another dimension of consciousness I’ve been blissfully unaware of until that moment. It surrounds me every day. There are symbols, spirits, and people who live in this reality, but my higher mind first had to accept that it existed.
I gained a whole new appreciation for my mind and it’s depth.
It astounds me to think about how much it is capable of — and the truly untapped potential I now feel compelled to access. Historically, when I think of the most influential and profound people, one thing stands out: how they were able to use the power of their mind.
I’m inspired to tap into my own mind’s ability to think critically, create, and expand into different realities. There are some people who can access this “playground” through just meditation, without the help of DMT releasing substances. While I don’t expect to get to that level, I plan on continuing my mental and spiritual journey through consistent meditation and intentional self-actualization.
3. My Ego Programs All My Thoughts With Judgement
The most wildly enlightening moment came not only after I recognized a new construct of time, but a new perspective of my thoughts. I could see my thoughts and judgements in real time.
I’m programmed to carry so much judgement. Literally every thought I have comes with attachment and judgement as a projection of myself.
For the first time I could recognize and even separate “the moment,” or “what happens,” to “my judgement,” or “how I think about what happens.”
The reality of this entanglement is excruciating, because it happens in perpetuity.
It forced me to look in the mirror and accept my long accepted patterns of faulty assessment.
Why can’t I just let shit go?
I feel for one of the first times I don’t know what I don’t know.
Is this the first step to enlightenment?
I don’t know. There’s so much work to be done.
4. Where the Mental & Spiritual Meet the Physical World
I started wiggling my limbs and noticed they felt very different. I felt compelled to move.
My primal instinct was incredibly raw in these moments, and we were not “inside” anymore. The lodge manifested into a part of the jungle. I felt an intuitive and masculine energy flowing through me. A strong urge to leap took over, and it was explosive. There was a primordial being flowing through me and I personified some type of jaguar:
The next thing I knew I flung myself across the room, five or ten feet, in a crouched position.
It’s difficult to understand how this type of instinctual prowess could overtake me, until I thought about our ancestors. There was a point in time when humans evolved from a beast they had to be to survive. Our surroundings have since softened. We no longer run from predators, hunt our food, or need to protect our families from prehistoric threats. As I thought more about this I embraced this feeling, it was exhilarating.
It was as if I was not just learning a history lesson, but living it. My jolt across the room quickly tampered. The fluctuation of energy was strong, and I felt compelled to suddenly sit with myself and meditate. I went back and forth between these states of absolute peace, sitting cross legged, in meditation, and living through the animalistic features and physicality, clawing at the ground, stretching, doing push-ups, and even biting my own hand at one point in disbelief.
As we ventured outside it was a full moon. Even the act of opening the lodge door opened a new gateway to what was possible. It was an alternate universe within an alternate universe.
The jungle was full of countless varieties of sounds. It sounded like the animals were speaking to us — dogs howling, frogs croaking, crickets chirping. At one point I asked the room what they were saying. One guy said out of the corner of his mouth, without skipping a beat,
“They’re congratulating us.”
This perspective allowed me to feel what our ancestors felt. I recognized my “fight or flight” response and I felt peak liberation. I thought in my mind “this must be what it feels like to be an animal” — free and connected to the Earth.
I’ve been so disconnected from the Earth.
I even thought about how long it had been since my bare feet touched soil. I honestly don’t remember the last time they did before these past 5 days in the Amazon. Most days from the moment I wake up to the moment to the moment I go to bed I’ve either had shoes or socks on, and if I’m bare footed, I’m inside.
By doing that, I’m absorbing and collect unnatural electricity and energy from the technology I’m using, the environment around me, and it literally has no way to escape. It’s like an electron sandwich bouncing between the rubber in my shoes and the top of my head.
There’s something special about being connected to nature, releasing, and reciprocating that energy. It’s never really been a big priority to me. I grew up in a big city, can count the number of times I’ve been camping on both hands, and hate sleeping in tents. I plan on being more intentional about connecting with Earth going forward.
5. Beyond The Power of Words
The shamans spoke in a mix of Spanish and some sort of tribal Amazonian dialect. The deeper I moved into the alternative world, the less the technical parts of language mattered. Energy transfer replaced formalized language. Noises, gibberish, melody, and non-contextualized thought became careful components of our communication.
When moments got overwhelming during the ceremony I felt submission to silence. Silence can be so much more powerful than words. I began to think about how my inner peace could grant me access to this world. The silence also helped usher in thoughts of unity. I’ve never felt more connected, that my energy mattered more, than in those moments where one of us was struggling. We all felt it. And we all had the power to meditate together — unifying one level of consciousness to bring the others to peace.
At one point I came out of my silence with a violent impulse to vomit. We all had our own buckets next to our mats, strategically placed. I gave two large heaves, purged myself clean, and immediately went back to my still position. It felt good, surprisingly.
We get so freaked out with silence in modern society. People rush to fill it with nonsensical banter everywhere: at the dinner table, over coffee meetings, in group outings… the list goes on. I wish we could all be at peace with just being, rather than feeling the need to disrupt something that can be so empowering.
Moments of silence are only awkward if one’s ego provides them discomfort with their own thoughts.
I’d like to use silence more in my day-to-day to bring myself peace.
6. Everything is Connected Through Energy Exchange
Everything, from a granular level is made of energy. Thus, the common denominator between every interaction we have in our life, all objects, plants, humans, and animals is exchange of energy.
- When I consumed Ayahuasca, I was consuming the energy and food the plant had received from the sun and water. I was absorbing energy from the shamans leading the ceremony.
- When I ate fish from the Amazon river, I was not only eating that fish but everything that fish ate. I was consuming the water it swam in.
- When I laid on the wood floor in the lodge I was laying on wood from a tree that had previously housed animals, plants, and water. It supported and continued to support many forms of life.
I WAS the Amazon, and I AM the Amazon. We all are. We all are EVERYTHING.
We must ask ourselves:
- What kind of energy do those which we interact or consume carry?
- What kind of energy are we individually bringing to every exchange?
- What kind of energy do we want from these exchanges?
It’s our responsibility.
When you realize everything is connected, you give yourself an opportunity to see the big picture. You have an impact. How you choose to use your energy in these exchanges will largely determine what kind of energy you get back. The universe is a mirror and you attract the type of energy you exude. I learned a lot about the energy I want in my life.
Muchas Gracias
During our time in the lodge I caught myself repeatedly thanking the universe. I felt waves of gratitude come over me. For the shamans, for the Earth, for life, for my experience.
I constantly whispered “muchas gracias.” It felt amazing.
As the ceremony wound down, I sat outside with the Earth. Mosquitos, flies, and moths covered me. For once, it didn’t really bother me. I was so far into my gratitude, I was unaffected. I challenged myself to sit through the itch and connect with the bugs.
I’m so thankful for my time in Santa Maria. It was an enlightening experience. But it’s also just the start of my journey — and the process never ends. The opportunity to take this trip was something I don’t take for granted. I realize most people will probably never be able to do it.
While my experience with Ayahuasca was the most profound during the trip, and the spotlight of my focus, there was still so much more to be grateful for:
- Exploring the jungle, learning about plants, animals, drinking from catclaw branches and eating fresh fruits (I fell madly in love with Mango).
- Swimming in the Amazon river alongside groups of kids, laughing and playing.
- Taking part in traditional dances and chants with families from an indigenous tribe that just wants the world to know they exist.
- Doing yoga, deep meditation, and taking a boat through the river during a 12 hour trip on San Pedro (mescaline).
I hope that by sharing some of my adventure that it might inspire others to look internally.
To think about what they can do to discover more about themselves, practice gratitude, mindfulness, reduce judgement, and seek higher conciseness.
If you can’t go to the Amazon jungle to do Ayahuesca (or don’t want to), consider what you can do.
Meditate, journal, or even just commit to a life of compassion and love instead of fear and hate. Perpetuate the energy you want to receive and be aware of your impact on others in the universe.
And finally, never stop finding out who you are, it’s the most powerful thing you can do for yourself.
Keep wandering, you’re not lost.
…
Find more about me on my website here.
Connect with me on Linkedin: Jordan Carroll
