FAQ: Jacob’s Bris

Julian Rosenblum
Jul 23, 2018 · 3 min read

Q: So what is this exactly?
A: A bris is the ceremonial circumcision of a Jewish male, and it is traditionally followed by a celebratory meal.

Q: Wait, what? There’s no way. You’re fucking with me, Josh.
A: The bris has been performed since Biblical times. Leviticus 12:3 tells us: “And in the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised.”

Q: Do I have to watch?
A: No.

Q: Can I watch?
A: Yes.

Q: I didn’t mean that in like a weird way. It’s not like a sexual thing. I mean, obviously it’s not a sexual thing.
A: Nobody thought you were expressing anything sexual about my eight-day-old son.

Q: Okay. So should I not bring a date then?
A: Were you planning to?

Q: Well, I just started seeing this Jewish girl, and I didn’t want to be like, “Hey, I’m going to a bris but I’m not inviting you.”
A: Talmudic law does not obligate you to bring her, but you can if you want to.

Q: What should I wear?
A: A bris is a serious religious ceremony. Please wear something nice.

Q: My suit has an extra little flap on it. Can I wear that or will it make the baby jealous? Hahaha, I’m just kidding dude.

Q: Should I bring a gift?
A: Yes.

Q: Should the gift be foreskin-themed?
A: No.

Q: Can the gift be foreskin-themed?
A: I’m gonna say no.

Q: What about a banana that’s been peeled a little bit?
A: No.

Q: What about a Sheriff Woody doll with the top hat missing?
A: No.

Q: What about a pair of craft scissors?
A: I guess that’s fine.

Q: What about a pair of craft scissors that makes penis-shaped cuts?
A: Please stop.

Q: Is a bris in any way related to a brisket?
A: No.

Q: Will there be brisket served at the bris?
A: Possibly.

Q: Will the brisket contain any foreskin?
A: No.

Q: Will the foreskin contain any brisket?

Q: Hello?

Q: Okay, sorry, I’m done.

Q: …

Q: Is Gary gonna be there?
A: Yes.

Q: Fuck. Do I have to talk to him?
A: No.

Q: Thank God. I mean like the Jewish God. Wait, is it the same God?
A: Yes.

Q: So who does the actual snipping? Please tell me you’re not doing it…
A: While the Torah states that a boy’s father is to perform the circumcision, Talmudic rabbis decided that would be more practical to have a trained specialist do it. Such a specialist is called a mohel.

Q: Wait, so there’s like a special job just for doing circumcisions?
A: Yes.

Q: Is that something you’d put on your LinkedIn?
A: I guess so.

Q: Do you have a mohel already? Because if not, I found one on LinkedIn who has a lot of endorsements.
A: We already have a mohel.

Q: But this guy has a buy one get one half off deal. Get it? Half off!
A: Yes, I get it.

Q: Has anyone ever made a joke about a mohel working for tips?
A: Yes.

Q: Wait, I just thought of a good one. Do you wanna hear it?
A: No.

Q: Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?
A: Fine.

Q: Okay, so a mohel walks into a concentration camp…
A: Careful.

Q: You know what, never mind. I’ll see you tomorrow at 10:30?
A: Please bring food.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store