FAQ: Jacob’s Bris

Q: So what is this exactly?
A: A bris is the ceremonial circumcision of a Jewish male, and it is traditionally followed by a celebratory meal.

Q: Wait, what? There’s no way. You’re fucking with me, Josh.
A: The bris has been performed since Biblical times. Leviticus 12:3 tells us: “And in the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised.”

Q: Do I have to watch?
A: No.

Q: Can I watch?
A: Yes.

Q: I didn’t mean that in like a weird way. It’s not like a sexual thing. I mean, obviously it’s not a sexual thing.
A: Nobody thought you were expressing anything sexual about my eight-day-old son.

Q: Okay. So should I not bring a date then?
A: Were you planning to?

Q: Well, I just started seeing this Jewish girl, and I didn’t want to be like, “Hey, I’m going to a bris but I’m not inviting you.”
A: Talmudic law does not obligate you to bring her, but you can if you want to.

Q: What should I wear?
A: A bris is a serious religious ceremony. Please wear something nice.

Q: My suit has an extra little flap on it. Can I wear that or will it make the baby jealous? Hahaha, I’m just kidding dude.

Q: Should I bring a gift?
A: Yes.

Q: Should the gift be foreskin-themed?
A: No.

Q: Can the gift be foreskin-themed?
A: I’m gonna say no.

Q: What about a banana that’s been peeled a little bit?
A: No.

Q: What about a Sheriff Woody doll with the top hat missing?
A: No.

Q: What about a pair of craft scissors?
A: I guess that’s fine.

Q: What about a pair of craft scissors that makes penis-shaped cuts?
A: Please stop.

Q: Is a bris in any way related to a brisket?
A: No.

Q: Will there be brisket served at the bris?
A: Possibly.

Q: Will the brisket contain any foreskin?
A: No.

Q: Will the foreskin contain any brisket?

Q: Hello?

Q: Okay, sorry, I’m done.

Q: …

Q: Is Gary gonna be there?
A: Yes.

Q: Fuck. Do I have to talk to him?
A: No.

Q: Thank God. I mean like the Jewish God. Wait, is it the same God?
A: Yes.

Q: So who does the actual snipping? Please tell me you’re not doing it…
A: While the Torah states that a boy’s father is to perform the circumcision, Talmudic rabbis decided that would be more practical to have a trained specialist do it. Such a specialist is called a mohel.

Q: Wait, so there’s like a special job just for doing circumcisions?
A: Yes.

Q: Is that something you’d put on your LinkedIn?
A: I guess so.

Q: Do you have a mohel already? Because if not, I found one on LinkedIn who has a lot of endorsements.
A: We already have a mohel.

Q: But this guy has a buy one get one half off deal. Get it? Half off!
A: Yes, I get it.

Q: Has anyone ever made a joke about a mohel working for tips?
A: Yes.

Q: Wait, I just thought of a good one. Do you wanna hear it?
A: No.

Q: Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?
A: Fine.

Q: Okay, so a mohel walks into a concentration camp…
A: Careful.

Q: You know what, never mind. I’ll see you tomorrow at 10:30?
A: Please bring food.