The All-American (Jewish) Family

Julian Rosenblum
Jul 23, 2018 · 2 min read

The All-American Family is blond.
The All-American (Jewish) Family is not.

The All-American Family has a son, a daughter, a cat, and a dog.
The All-American (Jewish) Family has a son who is allergic to dogs and a daughter who is allergic to both cats and dogs.

The All-American Mother spent all day cooking a delicious dinner.
The All-American (Jewish) Mother spent all day cooking a delicious dinner.

The All-American Father likes to go to the gym and lift weights.
The All-American (Jewish) Father likes to sit contemplatively and feel the weight of the world on his shoulders.

The All-American Family likes to have the Robinsons over sometimes.
The All-American (Jewish) Family hates having the Rubensteins over, but they do anyway.

The All-American Father and Son like to go out to the backyard and throw around the old pigskin.
The All-American (Jewish) Father and Son like to go out to the backyard and argue about Israel.

The All-American Father broke his leg skiing.
The All-American (Jewish) Father isn’t convinced any part of his body has ever worked properly.

The All-American Family took a road trip to the Grand Canyon.
The All-American (Jewish) Family decided their people have spent enough time in the desert already.

The All-American Family likes to get together to watch the Big Game. Go Bears!
The All-American (Jewish) Family likes to get together to watch CNBC. Go Bulls!

The All-American Family likes to get together to watch Seinfeld.
The All-American (Jewish) Family doesn’t need to.

The All-American Extended Family enjoys Thanksgiving, but gets stressed when politics comes up; there are cousins on both sides of the aisle.
The All-American (Jewish) Extended Family is actually all on the same side politically, but you would never know it based on the yelling.

The All-American Family loves Christmas shopping — Dad has been eying that new TV for months!
The All-American (Jewish) Family loves holiday shopping — Dad wants to reserve a good cemetery plot before they all book up.

The All-American Mother tells her Son to not let girls distract him from his schoolwork.
The All-American (Jewish) Mother tells her Son to not let shiksas distract him from finding a nice Jewish girl to have Jewish babies with.

The All-American Father tells his Son to use protection if he chooses to have sex.
The All-American (Jewish) Father tells his Son to make sure she’s not a carrier for Tay Sachs.

The All-American Family likes to talk about their proud German heritage.
The All-American (Jewish) Family would like them to be a little more specific about the timeframe.

The All-American Grandmother has a legendary apple pie recipe. There’s nothing else like it.
The All-American (Jewish) Grandmother has a variety of recipes from the Old Country, but no one is quite sure which country she’s referring to.

The All-American Family has a little ship in a bottle.
The All-American (Jewish) Family has a little schmutz on their face.

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