The Book of Gilgar
In the beginning, there was Nothing, and then the Great God Gilgar created the World. He said I am a Great God and I will go Forth and create a Great World and he did and it was great. Gilgar populated the World with fierce warriors, like Kublak the Mighty, and shrewd philosophers like Kublakk the Wise, and also Blake.
On the first Day of the World, Kublak the Mighty slew the Beast of Grattenfrog to provide a meal for the villagers, which pleased Gilgar. That same Day, Kublakk the Wise discovered the miracle of Fire and used it to keep the town warm during Gilgar’s bitter Night. Blake informed Kublakk the Wise that he actually needed to sleep in a chilled environment in order for the essential oils to alleviate his lower back pain. Also he’s a pescetarian and doesn’t eat Beast of Grattenfrog.
On the fifteenth Day of the World, Gilgar unleashed a Torrential Tempest unto the World to test the fortitude of His People. Kublak the Mighty and Kublakk the Wise led the villagers in a sacred Rain Dance. Blake informed them that such a Dance was appropriative of indigenous peoples.
“But we are indigenous peoples,” said Kublakk the Wise.
“That’s such a colonialist viewpoint,” said Blake.
“Aaaarrghhhh-blarrgh…baaaagrhh,” said Fargonblargh, the mysterious Creature.
On the twenty-third Day of the World, Gilgar rested. Blake also took the day off to practice self-care. Somewhere else, unrelatedly, the Israelites were suffering.
On the thirty-first Day of the World, Kublakk the Wise fashioned an Axe, which Kublak the Mighty used to chop down a thousand Trees. Blake learned that you can’t put a metal fork in the microwave. Adulting is hard!
On the fortieth Day, Gilgar spoke unto Kublak and also unto Kublakk to ask how the World was doing.
“Oh Great Gilgar,” spoke Kublak, “You have blessed us with so many Gifts.”
“And for that we are grateful,” interjected Kublakk.
“Yes, quite grateful,” continued Kublak. “But, to be honest, we’re not entirely sure what Your intention is with Blake. Like, he doesn’t really do much to help out and he also criticizes everything.”
“It’s not even necessarily that he’s wrong. In fact, I actually agree with him on a lot of issues. It’s just that what he says is never constructive,” said Kublakk.
The Great God Gilgar flung a mighty Bolt of Lightning down onto the World to express his discontent. “How dare you question My intentions after all I have provided you with!” But truth be told, Gilgar Himself was not entirely sure what was going on with Blake, whose only contribution to the World thus far had been a concept he loosely described as “like Pinterest but with stone tablets.”
“We are sorry for doubting you! Please spare us from your Wrath, O Great Gilgar,” said Kublak and Kublakk.
Gilgar needed to devise a suitable Punishment for Kublak and Kublakk. He also needed a way to test Blake’s character without revealing that He was having doubts about one of His creations. Using His Great Gilgarian Wisdom, Gilgar devised a way to do both.
On the forty-first Day, Gilgar created Capitalism.
On the forty-second Day, Gilgar used his Invisible Hand to distribute all the Wealth unto Blake.
On the forty-third Day, Gilgar created Connecticut and commanded Blake to use his Wealth to found a Small Liberal Arts College there. And it was Good.
On the forty-fourth Day, a Whole Foods opened.
On the forty-fifth Day, Blake created the Department of Economics to research the effects of private property and free markets.
On the forty-sixth Day, Blake created the Departments of Sociology, Anthropology, and History to critique the Department of Economics.
On the forty-seventh Day, Blake created the Department of Comparative Literature for unclear reasons.
On the forty-eighth Day, somewhere else, the Israelites were still suffering.
On the forty-ninth Day, the College was endowed by Gilgar with a Great Endowment, which would also not be taxed.
On the fiftieth Day, Gilgar rested and Blake rested and Kublak the Mighty toiled in the fields, where he was approached by Kublakk the Wise.
“Why must we toil away while Blake gets to spend his time reading Books and writing Theses and drinking Mead?” asked Kublakk the Wise.
“It is Gilgar’s Will. He has made us Paupers and we dare not question Him,” responded Kublak the Mighty.
“But what even is a Pauper? That concept didn’t exist until nine Days ago.”
“I have learned not to question Gilgar. You would be Wise to follow suit.”
Kublakk the Wise was Wise — perhaps too Wise. He decided to see what Blake was up to at this mysterious College. Unfortunately, Gilgar would not create MetroNorth for another several Days, so Kublakk had to walk. He arrived just in time to sit in on a Seminar Blake was teaching entitled “Critiques of Capitalism, from Nine Days Ago to the Present.” After class, Kublakk approached Blake.
“Professor,” Kublakk began.
“My dear old friend! How great it is to see you. And please, call me Blake,” said Blake.
“Blake, it is great to see you too. I wish I were making this Visit under better circumstances, but unfortunately Kublak the Mighty and I continue to toil in the fields as Wealth and Prosperity remain squarely out of our grasp. I was very pleased to hear you echo many of these sentiments in your seminar, and I was wondering if you could help us out.”
“Social change is often slow moving,” said Blake. “We hope to remedy that by bringing together some of the greatest minds of Connecticut and its surrounding areas. I can refer you to some excellent readings on Critical Theory.”
“That sounds great and everything, but I was really just wondering if you can give me some Money, since you have a lot of it and I have very little.”
“Kublakk, it is so wonderful to see people of diverse backgrounds such as yours interested in Academia. Your story has inspired me, and so I would like to dedicate a new Student Space in your honor. I hereby establish the Kublakk the Wise Student Space for Social, Cultural, and Political Critique. It will go right here next to the Den of Fargonblargh, the mysterious Creature.”
“Aaaarrghhhh-blarrgh…baaaagrhh,” said Fargonblargh, the mysterious Creature.
“I appreciate that Blake, I really do. But instead of creating Student Spaces and teaching Seminars, why don’t you just give away your Money? Or better yet, ask Gilgar to get rid of Capitalism.”
“I understand that people in your circumstances find comfort and community through deities like Gilgar. And here at the College, we offer several approaches to the study of Gilgar from a literary perspective. However, we prefer to apply more nuanced and scholarly theoretical frameworks to help understand the world around us.”
Kublakk the Wise was displeased. The Great God Gilgar was even more displeased. He smote Blake and burned all of Connecticut to the Ground. Then, Gilgar spoke unto Kublakk the Wise.
“All those who doubt Me will endure the Wrath of Gilgar! I am all-knowing and all-powerful! Kublakk the Wise, to reward you for your continued Faith, I hereby grant you all of Blake’s Wealth and Power.”
Kublakk the Wise was overjoyed. But Kublakk the Wise was also Wise.
“Wait, hold on a second. If you are all-knowing and all-powerful, why did you give Blake all the Wealth in the first place?”
“It was a Test. I wanted to see if he would demonstrate Strength of Character.”
“So you take a guy who likes to critique things and invent a system for him to benefit from, and Lo and Behold, he finds a way to critique that system while still benefitting from it. You had to create and burn down Connecticut just to figure that out?”
Gilgar was furious. “I have just given you immense Wealth and Power and this is how you respond? By turning into a complete asshole?”
“Bingo, folks. It looks like He’s got it.”
“Who are you talking to?”
“I’m breaking the Fourth Wall. I learned about that in the Department of Theater Studies before you burned it down,” said Kublakk the Wise.
And so, Gilgar smote Kublakk the Wise.
But after having smitten first one Blake and now another, Gilgar had a most sobering realization. As long as Humanity could achieve Prosperity, there would be Blakes. As long as there was a capacity to Think and Question and Critique, there would be People to be annoying about it. As long as there was a Land of Milk and Honey, there would be someone to ask if they can do Soy Milk instead.
If Gilgar were a merciful God, he would have perhaps vaporized the World into a Speck of Nothingness right there. However, Gilgar was not a merciful God — he was a vengeful God.
And so, Gilgar spoke unto Kublak the Mighty and said, “I am going away for a while and I will probably never be back. You’re in charge. Also there will someday be something called an Office Building, and I want you to make sure that the temperature inside is always just a bit too cold.”
Then, Gilgar spoke unto the Israelites and said, “You guys keep doing what you’re doing. I’m sure everything will work out great.”
Finally, before He departed, Gilgar wanted to leave His Infinite Knowledge with someone who was truly Pure of Heart. And so, Gilgar spoke unto Fargonblargh, the most innocent of all His Creatures, and explained the true Meaning of Life and the Secret to achieving Eternal Happiness. Gilgar commanded Fargonblargh to spread these Truths to all those who could understand him.
And Fargonblargh replied, “Aaaarrghhhh-blarrgh…baaaagrhh.”