How an ancient Roman unwittingly took part in bringing down European monarchies centuries after his death

The history of Rome and her legacy will always be a paradox: On one side, they famously overthrew their king and instituted a d̶e̶m̶o̶c̶r̶a̶c̶y̶ republic that lasted for the better part of five centuries under the watchful and loving eyes of their citizens, who cherished and cared for the institutions that upheld it with a quasi-religious devotion— and on the other, that same republic succumbed and became a de facto monarchy itself again for the remainder of its history; both a story of how cooperation and democracy can create something spectacular, and how that very spectacular thing can so easily crumble to the unchecked greed of the few in charge. In this hopefully not very long-winded article, I want to show you an example of how deeply entrenched our past is to our present and the often ridiculous connections among it all.

Our story begins long after the fall of the Roman Republic and, in fact, after the fall of Rome itself. The empire had survived the fall of its western half in the east, with a long-established new capital in Constantinople, modern-day Istanbul.

The year is 565 CE, when the illustrious historian and prominent man of his time, Palestinian-born (from the Roman province of Palestina Prima) Greek historian Procopius met his death, and left behind something very interesting that no one would know about for a long, long time.

As a scholar on the court of emperor Justinian, Procopius had accompanied his top general Belisarius, another of those very few legendary men who can confidently claim the title of “The Great,” in his battles to reconquer Italy — but most importantly Rome- from the control of the Germanic invaders that had swept the western empire for themselves so long ago. Over many years, many hardships, much bloodshed, and tremendous struggle, Belisarius had brought back Italy and the Eternal City under the empire’s fold- and Procopius was there to write all about it.

The result was “The History of the Wars,” often referred to by its catchier name: “The Histories.” We have much to thank Procopius for this, as his writings give us a veritable wellspring of insight into a turning point in the course of history. This fact was not lost on his contemporaries, as Procopius got to live a honied life as a senator and bureaucrat until the end of his days.

However…

If that was all Procopius had left as a legacy, he would still be recognized as one of the great historians of antiquity- and he would still be revered and read over by sleep-deprived students the world over. But there was more to him than that, and no one would know until over a millennium after his death!

You see, Procopius was what we might call today a mean bitch.

In reality, he hated Belisarius and hated his wife Antonia, but most of all, he hated Emperor Justinian and hated Empress Theodora.

Unbeknownst to absolutely everyone, mean bitch Procopius had been working on a secret manuscript hidden from the whole world in which he mercilessly spills the hottest, most deliciously absurd, and deranged tea for chapters on end, explaining in excruciating detail the excesses of the imperial court and the downright bizarre happenings that would occur between the walls of the palace. Allow me to give you an example of what he wrote about what the Empress would get up to at dinner parties:

One time when she went to the house of a notable to entertain during drinks, they say that when the eyes of all diners were upon her she mounted the frame of the couch by their feet and unceremoniously lifted up her clothes right there and then, not caring in the least that she was making a spectacle of her shamelessness. Even though she put three of her orifices to work she would impatiently reproach nature for not making the holes in her nipples bigger than they were so that she could devise additional sexual positions involving them as well.

Yikes!

What the point of these tremendously unflattering words was is still hotly debated among historians up to this very day. Was there a political end to his writing? was it that Procopius just wanted to keep a diary that would put any hormonal teen to shame? We may truly never know.

Now, fast forward to the 1600s, when a copy of this very manuscript somehow just showed up somewhere in the Vatican library. Beyond a quotation in some tremendously obscure treatises, no one had any idea this existed, and very few people would know in the years after too. You see, it was translated into Greek and Latin, languages mostly reserved for the upper crust of European society- and for them, an ancient Roman historian being obscenely petty and recounting scandalous scenes was little more than a funny anecdote. And, as a matter of fact, this was the very first title the text would be given: Procopius’ Anecdotae

This would change in about 50 years when, after a bunch of editorial shenanigans, some anonymous editor released an English translation of this text under a new name: Arcana Historia, or The Secret History.

This was 1674, and discontent with the monarchy was reaching a fever pitch: I know it may seem like a completely alien scenario to us half a millennium away, but in those times inequality was rampant, the needy starved and died, all the while working their lives away for a ruling elite that was not only amassing all the wealth but often displaying it in obscene gestures. Again, I ask you dear reader to try and make an effort to imagine that.

To say that The Secret History created ripples in society would be an understatement: contemporary readers found themselves in Procopius’ sandals- seeing with indignant eyes what he allegedly bore witness to so long ago: they could empathize with the author’s outrage over an out of touch ruling class so full of excess, scandal, and debauchery.

“Secret histories” became a genre of their own, with exposés popping up all over Europe, depicting the immoral and corrupt inner lives of the royals, which were carefully kept out of the public eye. from Whitehall to the Medicis In Florence, it seemed that readers everywhere couldn’t get enough of that hot goss.

Now there is something to be said about the truthfulness of these accounts. Considering that they were published anonymously and often contained outlandishly absurd allegations, it is fair to recommend the reader pick them up with a handful of salt. But be that as it may, it was the perfect fuel to a rapidly growing flame.

Around this time, print media had taken the outrageous stories of the nobility and turned them into an industry- especially in France, where genres like the Libelle (root word of libel, by the way) were running like wildfire, spreading sordid rumors that would only grow more venomous over time.

Eventually, it all culminated in the violent overthrow of the French monarchy, in a moment that would mark a before and after in history. Say what you will about the results of it, about the century-long tug-of-war between monarchists and republicans in France, or the short-term repercussions across Europe. What is certain is that never again would the monarchy be seen as an unquestionable monolith, and the vast majority of nations the world over align themselves to the values of popular rule and the fair balance of power. In reality, very few live up to that standard but I digress… The fact that you can (hopefully) go and vote in your next elections stems from exactly that!

I couldn’t really say that it was all Procopius and his petty defamation book that made it so democracy would see a revival. But make no mistake that he did play a part in it, even if he couldn’t have fathomed it himself. I guess if there is something to be taken from all this, is not to underestimate a mean bitch with a gossip diary.