Juan Jacuzzi, writer and drug user.

Guidelines for Eating Psychedelic Mushrooms During the Apocalypse

Mushrooms are best consumed with friends once or twice a year. During the apocalypse you may feel the need to consume more often. This is normal. Outlined below are helpful tips for adventures in the end times.

• Set and setting: Only proceed if you want to and are ready. Be safe, drink water, avoid unstable people and do not stare at the sun.
• Abandon plans: You are not doing anything afterward. Take the day off, clear your schedule and put your phone on airplane mode. Do it tomorrow too.
• Wear a watch: Make note of what time you consume. It will be over in 3–6 hours.
• Take a small amount: If you are not feeling it yet, wait a week. Take more on the next trip, not this one.
• Start early: Amateurs do drugs at night, a time when emergency rooms are already filled. The early bird gets the worm and the freaks come out at night.
• Avoid mirrors: Originally intended as advice for LSD users in the 1960s, it still applies today and to mushrooms. It also applies to the camera on your phone.
• If you encounter an interactive device: Do not touch. Do not make or answer calls. Do not read or respond to texts. Do not look at email or social media. Walk away.
• Go outside: Pick a spot, sit down and enjoy. Backyards, parks, and beaches are approved. Cliffs and rooftops are a no-go. Best to be at sea level.
• Sunglasses: No one needs to know. If sunglasses are unavailable, a hat will do. Anything that makes you feel sneaky and safe.
• No sudden movements: Do not run across the street or attempt to be nimble. You are Professor X, not Spiderman.
• No hands: Do not attempt to cut or slice anything. Wheelies are not allowed. Crayons are acceptable.
• Select a soundtrack: Music is encouraged but headphones are discouraged. Be aware and appreciative of your surroundings.
• Leave a surprise for later: If you feel like eating, the trip is ending. A joint, a smoothie, a Korean face mask. Whatever it is, you earned it. Set it aside before you begin.
• Mums the word: Never describe to anyone what you saw, thought or felt after it ends. No one cares.