The Most Esoteric Essay Topic Ever
Reflections on Mario Party 3
What can be said about a game like Mario Party 3? It is an intricate video board game experience designed as a children’s game. To look at the cartridge one would think, “Gee, this game looks totally harmless! I don’t think I’ll ever smash my table in rage over this…”
WRONG.
Fucking Wrong.
This game is a cruel little motherfucker. And its creators were fully aware of this. They baked this game out of a recipe consisting of two parts genius and one part pure unforgiving evil. The end result is a randomly generated experience that will guarantee nothing except that somebody will end up raging.
Let me elaborate.
Hidden Blocks.. On each map there are a pre-set number of hidden blocks containing either: a star, 20 coins, or a skeleton key. There are only a handful of these around the map, mind you. But out of dozens of spaces, there will always be at least a few hidden surprises to be had. And I guarantee you that it’s never the surprise you want.
Waluigi’s Island. This level is my personal favorite. The island itself, from which the map draws its name, is an anomaly to Mario Party. It is a circle (more of an oval., but fuck you ) of about 25 spaces that changes each turn. For example, on turn one it may be blue spaces, on turn two it’ll be battle spaces, on turn four it’ll be shy guy spaces, etc. It’s totally random, and it’s just as likely to repeat itself as to not. THAT BEING SAID, this island seems to have a penchant for chance times. Especially during the last five turns.
Item Flooding. What I mean by this, is that this game is heavily item-intensive. Unlike Mario Party and Mario Party 2, this installment of the saga allows each player up to three items. Also, for whatever fucking reason, the creators decided to make items cheaper. A magic lamp, for example, now costs twenty coins rather than thirty. Granted, that’s still a fair amount to spend…but the game makes sure that nobody has to buy these. Which leads me to my next grievance.
At least one third of the God damn map seems to be item spaces. Which is fine if you actually get a difficult item game (which rarely happens), or if the items occasionally suck (which they never do). But that’s not even the one that chaps my ass. Whenever Toad and Baby Fuckface decide to pop up and question you, you know something’s gonna go down. Unless you’re a totally clueless fuckwad, I’m sure you’ll figure out it’s quite easy to come away rich with good items.
This game has easily taken ten years off my life. That’s not even an exaggeration. I have had my blood pressure skyrocket, and my heart skip beats. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Because like any game, it’s all about the people playing. And I have been fortunate enough to play with some of the BIGGEST FUCKING ASSHOLES IN HISTORY.
But I love those cocksuckers. They’re the best people I know.
And if you steal my God-damned star one more time I’m gonna punch you in the fucking mouth. Bitch.
