The reason I am writing

My passion for writing started at the same time than my passion for reading. The first book my mother gave me as a gift was The Diary of Anne Frank and almost simultaneously I realized I had thoughts to tell, to share, to unveil.

In the same way than Anne Frank wrote to her friend “Kitty”, I started writing to this supernatural and omnipresent being I called God. So anyone who ends up coming across one of my early writings thinks I wrote down prayers — they all start with “Dear God”.

I was not as creative as Anne, and I still remember how much I struggled while I looked for a name for an imaginary friend. I already had this notion that a supernatural being watched over me, so I decided to stop ignoring this spiritual entity and become his friend.

God never responded my letters, he was passive and I was the only one trying to make our friendship work. But it did not matter, writing helped me express my thoughts, confess my sins, and even though I was not having any response, I felt that I was not alone. He could still hear me. He was just too busy to respond.

I was not a constant writer, I did it more during moments of crisis, when problems arose at school or with my friends . Later, when my parents started to fight more often, writing became a way of doing catharsis and releasing the feelings I had.

The first time I had to make a poem for a class, my Spanish teacher (similar to an English Teacher in Hispanic countries) loved my worked and, as soon as she turned all of my classmates’ poems back, she asked me to share mine out loud and referred to it as an “example of good writing”. That small recognition felt really good and encouraged me to pursue other forms of writing.

When I moved back, from the border city I used to live in Paraguay, to the city I was born, Asuncion, I took the habit of writing along with me. I continued writing and narrating to God the daily stories that happened at my house. I was living with my immediate family, my parents and two of my siblings and also part of my extended family — my grandmother, my uncle, my aunt and their baby. Living with many people caused a lot of conflict and similar to Anne Frank, I told God the adventures but also the fights that occurred between all of us at home.

Today, the pieces I wrote as a teen are a testimony of how much I changed. I definitely do not feel really comfortable when I read the trivial, superficial and judgmental thoughts I had at that time. But those were expressions of the Juan at that context, and they are important since they helped me to cope with my small middle class existential problems. But the most important thing that writing did to me, is that it brought me closer to God. He was my friend and this unconsciously affected my actions.

Last year, during a discussion seminar with my Christian philosophy professor, I presented the idea that beyond the notion of the existence of God, what really affects the actions of believers is the way people identify with this supernatural entity. The way they see God — as a friend, father, authority, King, punisher, judge — is what really drives the actions of the believers. These definitions bring social roles and expectations into the relationship of the believer with God.

By seeing God as a friend, I did not need to be scared of him and I could openly tell him about my anger, my judgment of people, my teen struggles with sex, my criticism to my parents’ actions and pretty much everything in my life. He was someone I could trust. But at the time this notion of God protected me from indulging in certain actions, cause according to what I heard at church and read in scripture, there were also things that he expected from me. I wanted to respect my friend God, he was my homie, my buddy, my man. He deserved it.

Later my notion of God changed. After my parents divorced and my dad left our house, I started to seek in God the image of a father. This is probably the image that it is best portrayed throughout scripture and churches’ messages, and I indeed find that God has the best qualities and characteristics that a father should have. Seeing God as a father, and my reading of scripture made feel loved, secure, and confident at a point in my life in which I did not receive this from my earthly father. God was there for me. He was taking care of me. He was watching my achievements and he was proud of the young man I was becoming. He wanted me to have a great future and he would help me to succeed. He wanted to see me happy and he wanted to bless me.

However, when God became a father, I stopped writing him letters. I started to listen rather than speaking through written words. I started to relate to him in different ways. I thought that worshiping at church, attending services and being nice and good to people were some of the things that I had to do fulfill my role as a “son of God”. For some time, I only saw God like the Father in “the Parable of the Lost Son”: he was there for me, waiting for me. If I wanted to have a good and fulfilling life, all I had to do was to live closely and obediently to him. It was not too challenging, and even to a certain point passive (by the way this a problem that can be seen in many of the charismatic and Pentecostal churches, but I will discuss this issue in another post).

But after my introduction to Reformed thinkers and the Covenant Narrative, the notion of God as a King and redeemer, changed my role in our relationship. There were a lot more expectations from me, but at the same time a lot more freedom. I realized that serving was not reduced to attending church, being involved in bible groups and church activities. To serve God was far more than that, it was about a radical living — about bringing redemption to my present context and fighting against systems of oppression just as Jesus did. Seeing God as a leader, someone with moral, hierarchical and intellectual authority made my actions more relevant, more meaningful. My actions seek the establishment of this perfect, peaceful, ideal divine kingdom — a place without injustices, wars, hate, selfishness and I am part of this. I can help, bless and make the life of other people better. Seeing him as a redeemer made my actions to be expressions of thanksgiving rather than conditions or ways of achieving God’s blessing and favor.

In the last months I tried to intentionally see God in these different ways: as a friend, as father, and also as redeemer and King. I also started to write again but now for different reasons. Rather than addressing this friend, my writing pieces aim at pointing towards him and narrate to others my experience with Jesus. But while pointing towards this ideal being, I also point towards truth and love, towards meaning, towards justice, towards peace, towards perfection and I want to stand up against injustice, power structures that exclude, against ignorance, prejudice, hate, resentment, lack of forgiveness and evil.

Hope you embark this journey with me and actively read by suggesting, responding and expressing your point of view.

Your friend,

Juan

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