May-August 2018
May 28
Yesterday, I moved to a new room and it’s too damn quiet.
Right at this moment, I realized I do really need social interactions because this small room feels like small isolated place, which not very good for my anxiety and my MDD issue.
One great example, a friend of mine helped me move, he stays for about an hour and leave, which after that, I felt really lonely with no one to talk to and it stays for about 7 hours.
June 1: 1 Year After Break-up
Today is the day that finally, everything of my past lives dies. For the past year, I suffer long enough from breaking up and hurt myself alot in the process. From the moment that I broke up, I never forgive myself and I never let go of that year-year long memories.
The depiction of a very beautiful memories still haunts me for a year long. Even tough I blame God for this painful experience or worse turn my back on him, I still believe he has a better plan for me.
This very moment, a year ago, you don't have the courage to say it or even make a phone call. The only words that come out was 'I am sorry, I hope you can continue our journey'. That day on the edge of the second floor house, it was pouring rain, my world turn into pieces that I know, I can't never fix.
Yesterday, I leave the remnants of our story, our beautiful memories behind in a small bedroom, in a rented house that just I moved out. I leave stupid midnight phone calls, plane and train tickets that I waste hoping I could see you, poems and text messages and your birthday present.
This marks the end of everything we've built since childhood. I ended all of our connections and moving on with new pages. I know deep within, you still hoping I could wake up, once again, right beside you, on your bed. Thanks, I closed every pages of you, this is the last piece. The promise that I made before, it ended here.
Thank you for early 2013 and my 15th birthday. Thanks for countless midnight talks. Thank you for the time you spend, admiring the city with me every single night. The world was much bigger when we were together.
August 5
I was diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder, famously known as depression. I was diagnosed two years ago, but decided to leave medication and therapy, because I don't feel any better. My parents never understand and I think majority of people see me as an outcast. I was once tried to tell a group of friends about this, but in the end, they leave because who want a weird guy living among you? I ended up alone.
Back when I was 15, I tried suicide, wasn't completed because one friend decided to stay and listen. But you know what, even years after, that one friend got tired of this problem and went away.
Seek help, they said. I did, I write on the internet, I visit doctor, I took pills every single night, I opened up to people. Nothing helps, maybe nothing will. Happiness for me is a short term experience, they come and go.
I don't know if I can continue, recently I lose interest in anything that used to be enjoyable. Friends for me is just bunch of people with expired date. I don't enjoy loneliness, but it grew inside me, I became friends with it.
Consider this as a suicide note, but I don't know when to leave. Maybe someday, but I'll leave it here anyway. I don't have any regrets living this life, I don't care anymore, I think.
And when you find my lifeless body hanging from a noose, do not be sad for me. But let's just try to continue this part of the story, until I decided it's the end.