Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash

If You’re Reacting, You’re not Listening

Listen up. This could be a reason why people don’t want to talk to you.

Judy Go
Judy Go
Nov 1 · 4 min read

I met this girl at a club and befriended her when I was in California for vacation. We hung out a lot in the beginning, and even now, we keep in contact from time to time. She’s friendly, fun, energetic, and knows how to have a good time.

Here’s the catch.

I couldn’t stand talking to her if it were just us two. Whenever I met her, I would try to hang out with her in a group setting.

When it was just the two of us talking, I could feel myself losing interest and socially shutting down. Indifference would quickly set in. My eyes would start wandering. I would nonchalantly respond with “Yup”, “mhmm”, and “that’s so true”.

Once, I even conducted an experiment on her. I wanted to see how long she would talk about herself if I gave her complete control over the conversation. I was determined to listen and be engaged in what she has to say.

She talked for an hour and a half straight.

Just about herself.

She wasn’t even finished, but I was. I became socially exhausted that I couldn’t take it anymore. I was imbalanced and impaired.

This happened on several occasions whenever I was with her to the point that shutting down became an automatic response for me. I stopped functioning.

She’s one of the many individuals that I’ve shared similar conversations with. And my conclusion? They all share the same pattern of behavior: they react to what I have to say.

I know exactly what you mean! I’ve had the same thing happen to me! Here’s what happened…

I can see why you’d think that. But have you thought of it like this? If I were you, I would…

You like that? That’s so strange because I don’t! It’s because…

I totally agree with you. But here’s my advice…

Sound familiar?

When I do shift the conversation towards me and say a part of my piece, they chime in agreement, add on to what I say, and then somehow shift the conversation to center around their thoughts on the matter. Finally, they eventually proceed to talk about themselves.

But maybe you’re genuinely trying to show your support for them by drawing examples from your life. You get excited about what the other person is saying and want to put your two cents in when you’ve already had your turn. You have a tendency to forget what you want to say so you don’t wait and weave it into their narrative. You’re not intentionally trying to overpower them in a conversation.

But you are.

No matter how good your intentions may be, intentions don’t negate impact.

When you react, you’re muting the person. You’re hurting their process to heal and become balanced, and ultimately, you end up hurting yourself. You’re inhibiting your chances to become balanced because the other person has now become indifferent. They’ve become emotionally less receptive to your needs. What’s more, you’re shining the spotlight on yourself, and by doing so, you’re casting a light on your not-so-great character qualities as well. And the great qualities that you do have — well, they end up taking the back seat. And now, you’ve driven people away from you and created a distance between you and the other person.

As the eyes are the windows to the soul, I see conversations to be the windows to a person’s character. The content, their body language and facial expressions accompanied with it, the flow, tone of voice, response rate in a conversation — you can gather so much information about a person if you simply listen.

What does it mean to listen?

The first is obvious. Listen means to listen what they have to say. Ask follow-up questions and be engaged in what they’re telling you. Let them finish and wait. Don’t interrupt. Don’t share your opinion until the end or unless they ask. Simply put, shut up.

The second is not so obvious. Listen also means to pay attention to how they say it. “Visually” listen to them. Pick up on their hand gestures, facial expressions, and body language as they’re talking because they’re choosing to be vulnerable. They’re releasing their energy and expressing it to you. They want to share it and want you to be part of their energy.

In a world that’s full of chaos, everyone seeks balance. It’s what keeps us emotionally and mentally sane, happy, and fulfilled in life. They seek it in a relationship, their fitness journey, their work lifestyle — a conversation is no exception to that rule. It’s the initial step that kickstarts us into the process of becoming balanced again. It acts as a reset button. It’s what keeps us grounded.

So stop reacting.

Be the first to listen.

Judy Go

Written by

Judy Go

Traveler, podcaster and personal writer residing in South Korea. Currently trying to figure out life one baby step at a time.

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