There is nothing sinister..

Journey Back to Optimism, Day 3

August 22nd

I am taking my power back. (Now that I see those words in print, they read like a bad motivational slogan.) Don’t misunderstand, no one has taken my power. There is nothing sinister nor retaliative about my 30 day optimism challenge — as I am beginning to call it. (Title of a future Shaun T-esque DVD perhaps?) I’ve been lazy and timid in my personal world. It has been easier to hang onto the coat tails of others for my happiness. To put it bluntly, I gave my power away. My mental state should not be dependent upon the plans, moods, or actions of others. I am responsible.

Internal dialogue now fascinates me. Mine fluctuates between internally speaking to myself and random stories I create that have not really happened. I envision scenarios in which people do me some sort of minor injustice. What on earth is that about? I’ve let my brain run on autopilot unchecked for too long. I’m hoping this is just a series of bad habits and I’m tasking myself to kick them.

You may be thinking — “Surely you’ve read articles about improving self esteem and thinking positive.” I am an insatiable reader. I read and listen to audibles of all genres but self improvements have never been my thing. I’m sure I rolled my internal eyes at both the writer and potential readers and didn’t go any further with the information. I will work on being more open to that area of literature. Afterall, that’s what this project is.

I spent time with family members today. I have been judgmental of others in my life for far too long. It’s resulted in my keeping important people at arms length. As I peel back the layers, I believe that negativity and judgment of others are bedfellows. I love these people. They are a big pot of hot soupy mess at times but aren’t we all? Perhaps they are more honest than I. My mess has been swept out of sight under the rug of my psyche.

Today’s assignment included finding 5 good things to think about others with whom I come in contact. I was busy enjoying my family members so I didn’t use it as much as I planned. I did complete it twice and will continue to explore it more over the coming days. I used my TID technique (from day 2). Didn’t need it as much as I did yesterday but probably because I was around so many which kept my mind occupied. I also downloaded music that I love but considered “not cool”. Hmmm, have I been judging my own music tastes? No more, my guilty pleasure music is coming out of the closet. I downloaded some new music as well. It makes me want to get up and dance. So… I played it and I danced and I smiled.

Three days and I feel good. I can report progress.

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