So…I’m wondering why this makes you so very angry. Don’t get me wrong, there is reason to be disgusted, indignant, even. But angry?
Are you actually angry that you feel that they were being inappropriate? Are you angry that you didn’t call them on it when it started? Are are you angry that One More Jerk is in the world? Newsflash, jerks are all over, all ages, all career-paths, all levels of handsome (or not).
Look, there are jerks everywhere. The worst thing is, they literally Think they are “being nice.” Studies have shown that men can clearly define when other men rape and violate women, but they simply will not see themselves in the same light.
I don’t want you to stop being open and kind and thoughtful. I do want you to consider being a little less generous of your “benefit of the doubt.” I would like to see an article in a year’s time that says, “I started telling men that they were pushing my boundaries and they actually started respecting them.”
And for those of you planning on slamming me for victim-shaming I and not victim-shaming. I am not shaming at all. I am being realistic about where women need to unlearn the crap were learned in grade-school, middle-school, and high-school. I want us to unlearn the unhealthy behaviors that allow jerks to push the boundaries by millimeters every time we see them, until you’ve lost so much ground that you cannot stand up to them anymore and have to go somewhere else, just to be treated the same way. We are allowed to be kind and caring and considerate of others’ feelings. But it is as important to be considerate of our own feelings, and stop sweeping them under the rug.
Own your boundaries. Keep them safe and clear and let people know, “That was my boundary you just blew past. Let’s back it up or I’m out.” I’m guessing that the frustration of not knowing how to keep those boundaries up, even as a married woman, is what is most aggravating of all. Having boundaries is not unkind, or mean, or thoughtless. If you really think about it, advising someone of the boundary line might save your business relationships. It could make visits more comfortable for both parties. And do it in the same way you would chat about clouds in a blue sky. It doesn’t have to be an accusation. Make sure to let them know this is My Boundary, it’s about Me. If that offends them, then that’s a jerk you can’t be around, and not one other woman should either.