Hire Me I’m Desperate.

I love working. I love the black-and-white-ness of being an employee. I have a job description, I get training, and I get paid. There’s a protocol, a chain of command, forms to fill, deadlines, and schedules. Life is simpler in the workplace. If every home had an HR department, I wouldn’t have left home when I was fourteen.

The only thing I hate about working is having coworkers. If I could get a job in a tollbooth in the middle of the Sahara Desert I would be the happiest camper, but Santa’s got unlimited passes and nobody wants to sit in an icy box for no reason, so there’s no tollbooth jobs available in the North Pole. Coworkers just kill it for me. Me, especially, since I used to work in a toy factory.

I just didn’t see the reason why Board Games needed an assembly line, and I was at the very end, undoing all the wrong that had been done. Remember Mouse Trap? We had to recall a bunch of those at one point.

I really wish it was easy to get a job though. The whole equal opportunity employer is bullshit. I would turn in an application at every place I’ve been to and they take one look at me and I know right away that my resume had been trashed. My ears are a dead give away, and the disclaimer does not mention anything about elf discrimination, so I’m singled out. It sucks that the only jobs available for folks like me are limited to toymaking, shoemaking, and baking. I’m (getting) becoming broke, and it’s been a hassle to keep borrowing. I left a note but people ignore it. Apparently, they hate borrowers.

So tomorrow I’m gonna try and apply at the Keeblers if Smokey the Bear hasn’t shut them down yet. I heard they don’t have the right permits.

-Judy F. Swears

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