Toothache and PTSD

Not many of the few that stumble upon my blog realize this, but I’m pretty sick in the head. I am in anger management and I am taking this medication called Placebo, but it’s not working well for me. The voices in my head continue to sing. In harmony.

I have had a sheltered childhood. My father is a respected elven leader and my mother was in graduate school of wizardry at the time. My home was abuzz with the hustle and bustle of the servants that attended to my every need. I was showered with toys and candies, but none of it filled me with the sense of security that a four year old wouldn’t have known to ask for. I’ve always felt alone.

I was teething, and I remember it so clearly, because it was the first time I’ve ever invited Death to come and take me out of my misery. I was four. I rolled on the marble floor in anguish until I laid on my back, defeated, facing an open window. The morning sun did little to comfort my terrible pain. I was alone and I endured it for hours, and no one bothered to ask why; the servants assumed that I was a spoiled child having a fit.

It was a trauma I wasn’t prepared for, and it hurt to remember it to this day. Every time I suffered a toothache, I regress to this childlike state; miserable and inconsolable, even if I know now, as an adult, that a couple of pills can make this pain go away. I was told before that the toothache’s intensity is because of the teeth’s close proximity to the brain, but I beg to differ. I believe the toothache hurt more because I wasn’t comforted and taught to ask for help when I first experienced it; because it was a pain that I had to take by myself as a small child.

It was the shattering truth that I learned so young that I am not invincible, and that bad times are often dealt with on your own.

So Samu, Wok, and Ronzo— wherever you guys are, I hope you know that you can always call me if you feel any kind of pain at all, whether it’s a true physical pain, or a pain from a breaking heart. I hope you guys know that I will always be here for you. It breaks my heart just thinking that you could be sad somewhere by yourselves. I love you.

P.S. — Brush your teeth. And floss. And gargle with mouthwash. I heard the Tooth Fairies bumped down their prices to twenty five cents for a tooth now. Not worth it.

-Judy F Swears

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