I was not expecting this one to send me into a tailspin, but it has. As I breathe deeply I reconnect with the internal knowledge I have gained that allows me to move forward each day, not letting my father’s unwholesome actions color the remainder of my life.
Was it only this morning I wrote to you about the Navajo healer and your piece about the ocean? It seems a lifetime ago. My mother said through them, this lovely two-spirit person, forgive me Juhi forgive me…many times over. Although she died a day after my telling her on the phone that I loved and admired her, what she had made of her life (a lot!) after I recounted for her how helpless she must have felt at 22 when I was born, she already into 4 years of marriage to a pedophile with a 6 year-old niece/step child to raise. It came to me that she was holding herself responsible for many other acts of cowardice that led my life down a dangerous and painful path, and perhaps she needed me to forgive her for those as well. I don’t know why this is all coming out like the grass upchuck of your sheep here, maybe it is the lateness of the night, or my mother is sitting at my shoulder watching me process my shit. idk. anyway…yah…
At my daughter’s Masters graduation at Harvard I heard Jk Rowling speak, not ten feet from me…she said…most of all, forgive your parents. For all that they have done, for all that they could not do, etc etc etc. Reading this piece has brought all of this up, right in the front of my face. I’m 65, time to carry on adulting!
Parents and children, mothers and daughters, so much healing…sigh.