Living a Trauma Informed Life
Conversations on living fearlessly

We break the chains that bind us out of duty, chains that our families and communities and societies tie us up in and tie us down with…link by link over our lifetimes until that is all we know of ourselves. Undoing strand by strand, with love and compassion for ourselves, the strings of pearls we think these chains are, that keep us locked into who we are supposed to be.
Freeing ourselves to create new bonds formed by choice and free will, with the delicate silk threads we create ourselves, impervious to trauma.This essay was part of a conversation with a former loved one who struggled to see herself whole.
Being awakened is not a static state. It must, through constant practice, evolve with deliberation. From being able to acknowledge our own trauma — and healing from it — to seeing the trauma of others that is similar to ours, to seeing other traumas that are variants of ours. To include wider perspectives of humanity that are outside our own life experience.
The lens through which we form our worldview necessarily needs to become more focused to include rigorous self-examination. Unpacking our social privilege, understanding our internalized alignment with those who wield power (as opposed to those who are defenseless and vulnerable), becoming informed about those who are marginalized and lack agency, both personally and systemically, is the natural progression of being awakened. How we participate, intentionally or unknowingly, in the systems of oppression of others through the practices of: capitalism, patriarchy, racism, cultural immersion, heteronormativity, xenophobia, colonialism and so many more. Which of these belief systems are internalized within us, causing harm to self and others, and how to undo these beliefs through our deliberate actions. Our past beliefs (and some present ones) may be rooted in these systems of oppression.
I have neither the right nor the responsibility to further anyone else’s discovery of the world. But the right and responsibility to be around others who share my interests, my worldview, who are open to my needs and desires, who have context for common references between us is solely mine. I trust in my ability to be true to myself. If you are ready, willing, or able to do so, I invite you to join me on this journey now.
If any relationship is to survive and thrive it must, as societies and species do, change and evolve. What stagnates, dies. If you have felt heard, seen, accepted in our interactions, but were not able to reciprocate then we are not in a healthy relationship. The focus of our interactions cannot be narrow, it is akin to looking at the enormous world through the circumference of a pvc pipe; only seeing what is available through that insufficient aperture. For our own growth our interactions need be wider in their quantity, and deeper in their quality. I compile “topics of conversations” lists as ways in which to get to know others better through a more complex lens. A lens through which we can be as accepting of others as we learn to be compassionate to ourselves. Where the need to blame others or circumstances is overcome by accountability in the hand we may have had in our own brokenness. I am not saying we were to blame for the molestation adult perpetrators inflicted upon us when we were children, but how our own actions as adults may have adversely affected those who were dependent on us in the past. That becoming self aware insists on that accountability to acknowledge our own limited resources of the past, and to create ample self-care and self-love making us as self-sufficient as possible, to make us as whole and impermeable as possible.
To be able to say, in essence, to those who have felt harmed by us Here I stand, blade in hand, neck lowered and exposed…ready to do penance. Do what you will to me, to make you feel most healed from our shared past.
To be able to say to those who have harmed us but are not ready to make such an offer to us yet I will work on my own healing, and although I wish you no harm, I cannot accept your presence in my life at this time.
To be able to say to those who have harmed us but are beyond our reach in death or their own inability to introspect I will try to find out what caused you to become what you became, but I do not owe you anything, not even forgiveness.
I endeavor to surround myself with healing practitioners whose beliefs align with mine, and accept friendships from those who are open to this give and take of difficult but essential conversations. I will always wish you love, whether you choose to be in my life or not. This is what keeps my inner landscape verdant, sweet smelling, and blossoming with new possibilities.
