In search for the real obstacle
[Update] The Problem Is Never The Problem
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There is always more to the problem than the problem itself.
There is always something deeper and more fundamental than what’s at face value. Sometimes it’s so obvious that we are blind to it.
Nothing appears as invisible as the obvious — Richard Farson
The real problem is usually
- The way you perceive it and frame it
- The way you react to it.
I consider shyness to be a problem. But the way I react to it is usely more problematic than shyness itself. I tend to react by avoidance. I dismiss people and interaction out of fear which just feeds the loop, making me even shyer and more fearful. More on that later.
To tackle a problem, we need to find its probable cause. Not the real cause — because we will never know for certain — but the most probable one. You resolve it by applying the method of trial and error.
You can look deep (for a specific cause) and broad (for a general cause). The specific will help you understand your reaction and behavior while the general will help you bring new perspectives and new ways to frame the problem.
A few ways to achieve that.
- Ask why at least 3 times
- Ask a friend/family for his perspective on a problem.
- Journal every day and observe your behavior as well as the outcome.
Headache & others physical pain
Most people see a headache as a problem and take a few aspirin to reduce the pain. But a headache is not necessarily the problem. It’s possibly a symptom of another problem.
Why do you have a headache?
- Tension in your body
- Stress and anxiety
- Deshydratation
- Lack of vitamin and mineral
- The consumption of a product your body doesn’t tolerate (lactose, gluten, too much caffeine, etc.)
- Some sickness.
- Etc.
All of them are valid reasons. By trying out what works and what doesn’t work you’ll eventually have an idea what’s causing the pain.
It doesn’t have to be a headache. Maybe your stomach hurts. Maybe your back hurts.
The pain is rarely the problem. The problem is what is causing the pain.
Shyness
I’ve always considered myself extremely shy and the only “solution” I used for this problem was avoidance. But I was going at it the wrong way — the way I framed it make it worst. It created more problems than it reduced.
My shyness always made it difficult to interact with people.
Why is it difficult to interact with people?
I’m scared to interrupt them. I’m scared to make them angry. I’m scared to create conflict.
Why are you scared to interrupt people and why are you scared it will create conflict?
Because I’m scared to being overheard by other people. I’m scared to unintentionally say the wrong thing like I sometimes do.
Why are you scared to be overheard (or to speak up)?
I have strong experience trying to speak up or trying to interact with other than being ridiculed by people close to me. It left a permanent stain of fear on me.
So I’m scared to interact with people because of bad experiences in my youth. But I also have many other positive experiences — they just don’t offset the negative one.
I know — but still don’t fully understand — that most people prefer to have some form of conversation, no matter how boring it is, than experiencing an atmosphere of awkward silences.
In a room filled with strangers, most people are scared to speak up and take the lead to start a conversation. But if a single person is willing to break the silence and speak up than everybody is comfortable doing so and they’ll start talking to each other.
The idea would be, to help my case, to frame interaction with strangers as enjoyment rather labor.
A rule of thumb never represents reality completely. Being wrong, they should, at least, bring more upside than downside in the long run.
