On and Off

This is the story about my the most dramatic relationship.

The main character of this story is Eric. He seemed to be just another boy. While the fate had in store some really unexpected surprise for me.

The thing about him was unusual from the beginning. I started texting him at the same time as my roommate did. We had a really good laugh when we realized it. Both of us were quite interested in him. I was the first one who set an appointment with him. Actually it was kinda spontainous decision. I was done with my classes and asked him to have a coffee with me.

Okay, I always try to be cool, but I must admit how nervous I was that time. Those days I kept meeting plenty of new people on daily basis, but something about him made me nervous. Conversation was smooth and funny. I tried to impress him — that’s for sure — but I truly had fun with him. I think we had some connecton from the beginning. Next day it was my friend’s turn to meet with him. During her date I gathered few friends for a drink. I invited her to join us, right after her meeting has ended. There was something wrong we her — I could tell. Until this day I really don’t know what happened that made her so moody.

On late evening he texted me saying he felt more chemistry between us and him and her. He wanted to give us a try, but I… I wasn’t sure. He was attractive and really impressed me with his achievements, but I didn’t want to be in serious relationship and that’s what he wanted. This is where my selfish game started. I didn’t want to lose him, but on the other hand, I didn’t want anything serious.

The time I spent with him was lovely, but what we had — whatever it was — was kept in secret. Only that one roommate knew about it — and also kept us covered, thank you very much dear — but she didn’t knew what I truly felt. I couldn’t be so honest and tell her everything, because I wasn’t sure what happened between them and how she felt about him.

He kept nagging me to make a decision about our relationship status, what really annoyed me, because as I stated above, our plans and desires was totally different. That was the first time I dumped him.

After this I felt real freedom. He is a bit possessive person, which is the opposite of my nature. I need a lot of space. Too much control is what I hate and what annoys me. He couldn’t understand it and accept it. Probably that was one of the reasons why I left him. Then I met few interesting guys — who were more of a distraction than a real candidates for a boyfriend — a term which at that time was the scariest thing for me and which I tried to avoid at all costs.

As time passed by I tried to move on, but surprisingly I couldn’t. It didn’t make sense to me, because I was the one who dumped him. I am very proud person, but living without his presence in my life was too hard.

I texted him.
Asking for forgiveness.

That was it. My pride hurt like hell, but I had to do it. Being the sweetheart he is, he forgave me and gave us another chance. However the circumstances changed… there were thousands of kilometers between us. It also didn’t help how insanely busy I was — I had to deal with all exams, projects, part time job and writing my master thesis. It was too much for me. I was so stressed. I didn’t have time to take a rest and when I had I was too tired. Or I hang out with my friends who live nearby. I didn’t have any idea how to keep my relationship with a boyfriend who lived on the other continent. We last 4 months. I gave up on him for the second time.

It took me another 4 months to realize how I miss him. He was quite cold, but kept answering me and then we became once again honey to each other. This was the time, when I suggested him to be just friends or keep our relationship to be rather casual. We both knew how different we are. The way we like to spend free time, how we socialize with other people, our opinions, plans etc. were absolutely different. It was very rare for us to agree on something. At that time I was preparing for my graduation and thorough job hunting. He wasn’t much help. I was very stressed about my situation, felt so insecure about my future, while he didn’t seem to be much supportive. I am not sure what I expected him to do, but I did what I was perfect at — I left him again.

After my graduation I was offered to have an internship in another country. I really did enjoy living there, but at the same time I crazily suffered from homesick. A few days before New Year (which was about 2 months after we stopped talking) I asked him how is he. It made us to text for 3 weeks. We decided it would be nice if he came there, but I didn’t agreed to let him stay at my place. It would be too much. It would feel like we are a couple — serious couple. I didn’t want to give him such hope.

Now I regret it.

We changed. It’s been 2 years since we met. Maybe it would be different. Maybe if we stayed together for a couple of days, we could be happy. I used to say that I regret nothing, but this is different. This is something that I truly regret. If I gave us a chance that time, maybe it would work. It is all my fault.

7 months later I texted him again, but his attitude changed. It was colder than usual. He said directly if I don’t want to be with him, then I should live him alone.

— Let’s be friends.
 — I don’t want to.
 — Why?
 — Do I need a reason?
 — Yeah, I think so.
 — Cuz I don’t want you anymore.
 — I see.
 — Bye, please don’t text me anymore.

This is our last conversation. This is how it ended. Looks pretty pathetic, right? I got what I deserved. That was the harshest thing I have ever heard from him. That was real eye opener. I was so selfish. I have never thought that some day he might give up on me. All I wanted was to be just a friend of him. Unfortunately for him it was all or nothing.

I couldn’t accept it. I didn’t want to accept it.

Now I need to learn how to live without him. I need to erase him from my world. I don’t have a chance to change his thinking. He made it perfect clear what he wants. How could we be together after what happened between us? It was way too much drama for my liking. Our happy memories faded because of our fights. It’s been 2 weeks since our last talk. I wonder if he thinks about it. Does he regret what he said? Or maybe he’s glad about it and regret that he didn’t do it earlier? Who made bigger mistake? Who’s fault is it?


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