Blood is Blood
All hell broke loose,
Sitting in that circle and being told to speak, it was crazy. All the moments asked to be brought up at once, dying to not share what you know, but question why the other person reacted how they did. A bit like after playing chess getting to ask the opponent if they knew their last move from the beginning. Or imagine if you could ask your mugger after the mugging without any feeling of anger, simply curious about their job and what brought them to that point.
I felt sad. It was christmas and everyone went down for presents like we always did. I woke up incredibly early and sat around waiting for everyone to get up. Then it was 12 and we were still waiting for you. So I went into your room and tried to shake you awake. I had a moment of panic because you didn’t respond when I shook you. Then I more forcefully pushed you across the bed. You took a long breathe and peered at me through a crusted yellow eye. I was so angry. I was so scared you wouldn’t wake up. Then we were all going to the Johnson’s for dinner. You asked not to come. Daddy and Mummy screamed at you. They said they couldn’t love you. You took pills and Mary helped you throw them up. I wanted to scream.
It was early evening. Nathan had already shut his door. I had shut mine. The three of you were all screaming. Again, “we could never love you”. She left. I thought that was it. All the crying. I waited a few hours crept into your room and told you “I love you” and you said “I loved you”. And then you threw it back in my face jokingly asking me to keep another secret “I thought you loved me”.
Do you know how terrifying it was going on a search with Nathan to find you. Do you know how Nathan screamed when the car got stuck at the beach. Not just the car but because of you. Middle of the night I thought you’d offed yourself. I think we all did. Coming home without you was terrifying.
One day when I’d become an only child, you boys at college, I got to be you. Things had noticeably been stolen. I was ironically studying at your desk the most peaceful room I think to study. When all hell broke loose. So I shut the door and tried to focus memorize for my exams. When he came in screaming at me, “how could you love him?”. Stretched across the bed screaming at me. Blaming me for loving you. I took it waited didn’t cry until the door was shut and convulsively cried. Then they went on a walk. To cool off. And I couldn’t stop crying and crying. I called Nathan and he was worried and couldn’t understand me so he called them. I couldn’t look at them I buried my face in the pillow. Then I had to forgive them and say “oh no don’t worry.”
I drove to my orientation by myself. I was so nervous I binge ate. I was all alone, and wondering if you were alive. You had overdosed. So I drove two hours on my own driving on the highway for the first time by myself. I was so alone.
Each moment mentioned brings up 10 more.
- Hot boxing the living room.
- Held at gun point
- Falling in the shower.
- Taking my $10.00
- Driving with me in the car.
- The stalker.
- Lying New Years Eve.
- Withdrawing in the living room.
- Walking into school.
- A shell of a person.
But now we are on the other side. You’ve relapsed and probably will again. But I do not blame you or anyone. I’m morbidly glad for the experience because I think I slightly understand human nature now. I do not blame murderers for murder, addicts for addiction, or depression on the depressed. I think that there is no normal, or happy that fits everyone.