New Beginnings in a familiar place

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a pretty big chapter for me: going back to college! This is also a rather long chapter in my life as I began this journey a mere (can I get an eye-roll) fourteen years ago. Yes, just fourteen short years ago, I turned 18 on August 12th, and two weeks later moved into a dorm at CSU Northridge to begin my college education. If you would have told me then that 14 years later, at the ripe ol’ age of 32, I’d STILL be at it, I would have surly told you to go fuck off while chuckling a bit, then, without a doubt, turned and walked away. Well, little arrogant 18 year old Julianna, here you are. 32 and still at it. What happened, you might ask? What happened is exactly what most of my professors warned us all about, but, we all say, noooo, not me. That’s not going to happen to me. I’m not going to let reality get in the way of my dreams. I’m better than that. I’m bigger than that. And while it’s lovely to think that you are, I’m here to tell you, my darling little buddings, that you are not. Nobody is. We are all susceptible to every human emotion and condition and the true reality is that we cannot control life. But, we can make good decisions.
See, I didn’t make very good decisions all of the time. Sometimes, believe it or not, I made some downright shitty ones. I mean, REALLY fucked up decisions. The kind where everyone around you is going, but, are you SURE? It’s a good thing I always talked to them independently because if they were in a room together, I can only imagine the looks that would have been exchanged. In hind sight, perhaps it would have been a good idea if they were all in the same room together. Perhaps they would have saved me from myself. But, that is not the case. I made my bad, destructive decisions and I paid for them. Someday, I’ll write out the long version of that sentence. It’ll probably take a few memoir’s to do so (Not to worry — I’ve already got the titles picked out). Bottom line is, I lost track of my dreams. They were always there, fluttering around in the cerebral cortex, but, the lobes never came together cohesively. I would take one step forward and then about, oh, I don’t know, 10000 steps backward. I did this to myself, no question about it, but, there were definitely people in my life that I allowed to play a much bigger role than I should have ever allowed. These people should have been extras, or, at most, a supporting character. But, I let them run the show. At one point, I can think of a few certain folks that I let become the star of my movie. I should have been staring in my own bio-pic, so to speak, but, I allowed myself to become the supporting actor. I allowed my story to become the subplot and their life to become the plot of my existence. This is not a good thing. This is not a healthy thing. It has taken me longer than I wish it would have to realize this, but, I guess, better late than never. It’s that people pleasing thing that always starts it. But, enough about that. Here’s the real exciting part:
I’M A 32 YEAR OLD WOMAN GOING TO BACK TO SCHOOL TO COMPLETE HER BA IN THE FIELD SHE IS MOST PASSIONATE ABOUT — WRITING!
Exciting, right?!
After living back home in Napa for three years, I packed up and moved back down to Los Angeles to go back to school and, right now, a week after I have done this, I couldn’t be happier.
However, the week before this happened was nothing short of a bouquet of emotions for me. Some excited. Most of them terrified and overwhelmed. I was scared. I don’t think so much scared of going back to school. More scared of moving down to Los Angeles without a place of my own to live and without a job. Not having those things and really pursuing what you want, I mean REALLY going for it, can be invigorating and vomit-inducingly scary. It’s uncertainty. And if you let it, it will get you every time, I have no doubt about it. Uncertainty kills hope and faith. Faith is believing it will happen before it has. Hope is, well, hoping that the faith you have that it will happen will carry you through. But, that uncertainty thing, man, that things a real bitch and it holds so much power. If I could take one emotion and bury it in the depths of a volcano, it would probably be uncertainty. Not fear or anger or regret, but, this little fucker right here. It’s that little voice inside your head that makes you question whether you are right or wrong. And see, you’ll never know if you are right or wrong because we don’t have control over the outcome: One little thread will change the whole of your story. But, you can trust yourself and that little voice that says ‘are you sure’ (Not your friends’ voices that you SHOULD listen to) is the one that will keep you up at nights, night after night, watching re-runs of old T.V. shows until you can quote every episode verbatim and it begins to feel like that’s what your life has become and you slowly lose touch with reality and slip into some sort of strange, mid-world where reality doesn’t make sense anymore, but, this thing that’s going on in your head, this world that you’ve created doesn’t quite make sense either. And suddenly, you’re in purgatory and instinctively you know exactly what you have to do to get yourself out of it. You do. Your body and your mind, they know. But then, here comes that little voice that whispers ever so gently in your ear, so gently it almost feels soothing, it almost feels comforting: ‘are you sure’? And suddenly, you are sure of nothing and so you continue to do what you know. You continue to do what is comfortable. And so you lose the life you wanted and give into the life that is easy. I am done giving in.
I’m here. I’m in L.A. and I’m staying with one of my oldest, dearest friends who was gracious and kind enough to offer me her spare room while I look for a place. And I was lucky enough to not only get the loan money I assumed I would get, but, some grant money to go along with it (let me tell you, THAT was an exciting day). And, I had been working while living back home to save money to come back down to L.A. because that had been my plan all along. See, I was set. Or, rather, I AM set. That is a fact. There was no reason to be uncertain at all. But, maybe that’s also part of the scary thing about this: it’s actually happening. Thus far, I have not self-sabotaged myself out of it. And I don’t plan on doing so.
I’m older now and, I would like to think, a bit wiser. I’m more prepared for classes than I was 14 years ago, that’s for damn sure. I have a great support system — one that has always been there, but, it took me a while to see it and to really appreciate it. Let me tell you right now, family and friends, I appreciate the ever loving EVERYTHING out of you. This is a very important thing to have and I am grateful beyond measure that I have it here with me.
I’ve spent time re-connecting with two of my closest friends that I have been away from for 3 years. I’m living with one and the other one is a 5 minute drive away. Oh, and, did I mention, we also HAVE A CLASS TOGETHER. That’s right, two 32 year old best friends going back to school and we have a class together. We were at a party last night and were told by a few people that that was just “absolutely adorable”. I’ll happily take it.
I can’t believe I was worried about not feeling at home. How could I NOT when I have these 2 incredible women and a few other close friends down here. I feel so at home. I can see my friends when I want to. I can go to Target and spend an hour in there and leave having purchased nothing but laughing so hard I’ve shed tears at least 3 times. We know each other. We grew up with each other. It’s like I had forgotten that I had a life down here for 10 years before I had to move back home to Napa. That life is still here. It hasn’t gone anywhere. All that’s happened is that we’ve gotten a few years older and that, so far as I can tell, is actually a pretty good thing.
This woman I met at a bar on my birthday told me that I was “just a baby”. Now, I don’t know about THAT, but, she did say something that stuck with me. She said your thirties are great because you’re smarter than you were in your twenties, you made all the stupid mistakes, but your still young enough and energetic enough to have a really kick ass time. You know what? I think she’s right. So, a kick ass time, I shall have.