Why I art.

I’m completely infatuated with myself when it comes to being creative. I just browsed a number of social outlets that my creative friends participate in and felt mildly overwhelmed.

I have friends who get articles posted on Huffington Post and Buzzfeed. I have friends who are in rock and roll bands with big label contracts on MTV. I have designer buddies and photographers and illustrators and cartoonists that I associate myself with.

I know good people doing good art, and infuriates me not to be doing any of my own. Unfortunately, I’m not any good at it. I am just ok.

I am a just ok writer. I am a just ok designer. And videographer. And cartoonist. And entrepreneur. I am just ok at a lot of things. It sort of sucks.

I never get that moment of glory, well not recently at least I suppose. I do boring things. I pay my bills. I gain weight slowly. I drink beers I haven’t tried in the past. I have a realtor at my disposal. I am learning code.

This evening I wrapped up yet another night in front of the TV playing FIFA 2015 on PS4 while my wife lays passed out in the other room, awaiting yet another early day at the office with a 2 hour commute while I will sit at home in a low stress environment, waking when my body is ready considering I still have another 9 hours to make it to bed and back to the living room to start another day.

I do art because I am boring. I really am. Most of us are, I have to imagine, but most of us don’t want to be. Some of us aspire to become creatives and to make our sent in the stratosphere and actually do. Some of us like myself, are simply just bored and looking to have a conversation.

I honestly don’t even know if this is true or not. Today I considered what it would look like to have a kid, or adopt one, or be a foster parent. Would my art projects mean that much to me anymore? Or do I simply use them to fill a void in my life, or to justify my salary so that I can safely admit, I only work because it allows me to do my art.

I am sitting on a lot of half baked ideas currently and arguing the fact that buying a house has become somewhat of a hang up in doing any truly creative projects, but I wonder if it’s a fluke? I wonder if I’ll find a new excuse next month once we manage to close on our current property and start the next impossible phase of life. I honestly don’t know.

So for now, I create art out of fear. Out of fear that by the time I know what it is I should have been creating, it will be too late to move forward. I worry I will waste this empty time in between getting nothing done and dreaming up all the work I could have done.

So for now, I make bad art, because it doesn’t harm anyone and I’m learning, even if it is in the most incremental of ways.