5 Holiday Boyfriends to Distract You from Breaking Up With Chad
It’s the middle of fall, and you’re apple picking by yourself because Chad left you, your three year relationship, and the country to “figure out what he wants.” The holidays are around the corner! God forbid you stand under a prickly plant by yourself or make hot cocoa without a half naked man in your kitchen. Here are 4 alternate boys who are friendly enough to bring to the family and hot enough to post on social media during the most wonderful time of the year!
Craig teaches HIIT and PowerCore at your gym every Tuesday and Thursday morning. His sweet disposition and six pack makes him every gym mom’s sexual fantasy, making you the most envied gym member of all. He may wake up at 4 AM and wear running clothes outside of the gym, but he’ll get you that hot bod and make you whey protein hot chocolate with sugar free candy canes. You can even Instagram a photo of you two doing couple’s yoga before Christmas dinner at grandma’s house. Just remember to tell her that his name is not Chad and not Chad is gluten free.
2. Alex Xela
Alex Xela is a fine artist and the ultimate romantic. He knows how to slowly, yet strategically run his fingers through your hair and sneak feeling you up under the mistletoe. Forget Starbucks! Alex Xela works in the most hipster coffee shop on the lower east side, making you free soy peppermint mochas with cute notes on the to go cup (name spelled correctly, of course)! You are his muse, and you know Alex’s nude painting of you will make Chad rethink his life choices. Just remember, you’re not his only muse. Don’t be too shocked when you find out that your nude portrait is not the only nude portrait in his latest series. Alex is poly amorous and recited Sonnet 116 to three girls, two boys, and a partridge in a pear tree before you, but no one needs to know that!
Everyone is home for the holidays, which means that you will probably see Luke, your high school boyfriend, at the only bar in town! The stars have aligned! It’s time to rekindle the romance that came to an end after you caught Luke cheating on you with Sherri Riddle prom weekend. But, that was years ago! You’re over it! Luke slyly buys you a Mike’s Hard Lemonade and requests the DJ to play “Soulja Boy Tell’em” to recreate what you two once had. You dance with him for awhile, but as soon as Chad texts you “Hey,” you drunkenly burst into tears. Luke wipes away the tears and admits he’s still in love with you and almost Facebook messaged you about it two years ago. This confession makes you uncomfortable, so your best friend cock-blocks Luke so you can text Craig and Alex the address of the bar, deciding who to sleep with based on who replies first.
Who said this list had to be heteronormative? Let’s be real, the majority of mankind has a hint of curiousity. Why not try it out!? Katherine AKA Kat is thoughtful, considerate, and has two adorable kittens named Thor and Loki. Not going to lie, she is probably a better significant other than any of these men combined! Katherine will remember your favorite movie, meal, and ice cream flavor faster than Chad could understand the purpose of a duvet cover.
5. Ryan Gosling
Still thinking about Chad in between boys 1–3 and Kat? Ryan Gosling is the perfect alternate boyfriend for you (along with the other lonely women and men from November to January). Let’s be real, it’s pretty much impossible to take a strong, independent woman seriously if she doesn’t have arm candy on the holidays. If walking around with a life sized cut-out of Ryan Gosling via Crazy, Stupid Love slightly destroys your dignity, use boys 1–3 and Kat to your advantage! Bring Craig, Alex Xela, Luke AND Kat to Christmas dinner. Mom will get great workout tips from Craig, your grandma will speak Italian with Alex, Kat will remember every family member’s name when the boys screw up, and Luke’s slightly obsessive love for you will boost up your confidence the moment Uncle Frank asks what happened to Chad.