Existential Thoughts of the Average Clitoris

1. If I don’t like cats, does that mean I’m a pussy?

2. The entire world is having one big clitoral orgasm right now. When one woman comes, another becomes aroused. We’re all one big vulva.

3. If the vulva was the world, I would be Australia. No matter how much mining you do down under, you will always find gold. *pubic hair flip*

4. The labia would be the Trump supporters of the United States, and yes, the labia always wanted to build a wall.

5. The vagina would be Russia. Why else would the labia come up with the Red Scare?

6. If you must see it to believe it, does that mean everyone only believes in 1/4 of me?

7. If women measure me like men measure their penises, would that end patriarchy?

8. How can alcohol take advantage of me if I’ve never smelled it on a penis before?

9. The clitoris and penis are made of the same materials… does that mean Freud envied me all along?


10. My name means “key” in Greek, and, yes, I am the key to all orgasms. But they don’t want you to know that. They don’t want DJ Khaled giving you key alert because key alert alerts you of my power.

Like what you read? Give Julia Barnett a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.