Julie Babyar
Jul 27, 2017 · 5 min read

Notes, a new series on journeys and observations. Told in short form because we’re on the go. Told from the heart because that’s me and that’s you, too.


In Motion from July 2017: Notes

“There. Even?”
“Even.”

But settling the score is usually not what we’re intending to communicate when we express this. It’s likely we’re communicating something more, something along the lines of “I tried to smooth it over, are we okay now?” or “you’ve done something for me, and now I hope I repaid you in the same way” or “we’re equal.”

We’re equal.

Of everything communicated verbally, non-verbally, directly, indirectly, or just in desire, communicating “we’re equal” is the most on point. It is what we try to do when we settle a score, when we smooth anything over, when we repay debts, when we seek another’s acknowledgement after we’ve given to him or her.

Now if we’re being honest, most of the time we give without much expectation. Sure, sometimes selfish tendencies may take hold. But for the most part we give. We give time, money, love, a favor, even a good word, without much expectation. Of course that’s how it should be.

Because we love. Also, because we’re equal and want to communicate it.

It’s not because we want to even things out. Or because we hope another will even things out by giving back.

We hope for others’ good fortune, at times we may even feel guilty when we’re more fortunate, because deep down we know we are equals.

It is commendable these days to see men publicly give accolades and professional peer acknowledgment to their female counterparts in industry. I look forward to the day when we are publicly comfortable with this same treatment to those in industries not of our own.

I am a woman, I am not in your industry, and I am your equal.

Deep down we know these things to be true. And as we accept this, we will see it in everyday life: businesspersons walking the walking in diversity, through inter-industry relations and public conversations. Public servants walking the walking in diversity through daily practice. Those in positions that they consider powerful treating those of lesser perceived power with genuine equal consideration. We will see it more, and I’m glad. I look forward to the day we are publicly honest with our true inner feelings.

We. Are. Equal.

And this is true in our personal relationships too. So we might as well tap into our inner feelings all around. And giving is a personal, significant way we show this feeling of equality.

Sometimes this takes shape by way of an idea of plan for another. And sometimes what we believe to be a good plan or a good idea may not be right for another. We may even try to force it a bit, whatever it is we believe to be the right path that we are helping them to take. The simple action of pushing this idea may even be wrongly perceived as a show of power or display that promotes unequal balance of control and influence.

How wrong it would be to miscommunicate your intentions, to cloak yourself as someone who feels superiority in this giving. Conversely, how wrong it would be to take offense at this push, to believe another’s good intentions are a power struggle.

No, we’re not trying to become even in our actions. We’re equal. We may even be fraught as this sentiment feels trapped. But all we have to do is draw within ourselves as well as look to that counterpart, that match we love so deeply in our heart– the one we love so much that miscommunication of our equal admiration threatens to place its permanence.

We draw within ourselves…..A long time ago I wrote about those in our lives that set the tone for equality. We grew up with them, no matter the age we met them. Together, the bar was set. And when we face the world we now remember that there is no one to be intimidated by. No one to feel inferior to. He or she is behind us when we remind the world to be honest, sincere and open in heart as that equality is displayed.

We look to that match we love…. we should never assume that another is intentionally displaying a power division. So what do we do when headed down a hazardous road of miscommunication?

I know I’d try to understand another’s idea for me. And if their idea for me, a plan of sorts, isn’t the right fit…..well that’s about as clear as it can be: it isn’t the right fit. The person or persons are the right fit, still and always. The person’s plans for themselves will always be the right fit, of course, because there is no right or wrong when we unconditionally love. We love everything about them, and all the plans they have for the world.

It’s just that their idea of a good idea for me may not be right for me as an equal.

Don’t get me wrong, I always accept gifts. With gratitude and knowing I do not deserve it.

And others’ ideas for me? If it’s a fit and it works, then their strategies become mine too. And if not a fit? Well, luckily we’re flexible. Luckily we have love, so everything else is just extra sauce on the side. Some of the takeout sauces may or may not make it to our dinner table.

Luckily, we’re equals.

I am your equal. And you are mine.

Now, in loving relationships, gifts are accepted because we love the givers. And my relationships with those I carry in my heart are just that: loving.

Good ideas and plans for us are considered, and there is no bitter taste on either part should we move on in life, hand in hand, as we walk down a new path.

We move along as equals, not to be even or smooth things over. This is accepted maybe after a little reminding on one another’s parts not to have hurt feelings over a plan that doesn’t fit. This is accepted maybe after remembering those who are behind us as we remind the world that it is okay to publicly treat one another in genuine match, without power struggle or insincere restrictions on equality.

This is accepted because we are equals.

“There. Equals?”
“Yep. We’re a match.”

Oh, and I love you.

Did I go off on a tangent with this note?

Oops.

Julie Babyar

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