How Juiced is Your Relationship?

If your relationship’s not juiced, I’ll wager big money it’s tied to how well you two listen to each other.

I’ve been obsessed with listening for most of my life. I started seeing a therapist at 14 and for the first time, I felt really seen by an adult. His listening changed my world and thereafter I became that listening friend: Asking good follow up questions, reflecting back what people said. I saw how hungry my own friends were to be heard.

Being heard by that therapist set the trajectory for my life. Today I’m a career coach. I get paid to listen deeply. People are very hungry for this service.

Fast forward to 2009. Divorced for 3 years, I felt worn down and unseen by the men I dated:

(Me) “Would you please stop demanding I lock my car door? It’s my business.”

(Him) “Why don’t you care about what’s in your car? You’re basically inviting thieves into your car.” (Shakes head. Pouts. Won’t talk to me for hours).

In 2009 I met the Ironman of listeners, Steve Roberts. He’s a Gestalt therapist, therapists’ trainer and public speaker who teaches couples how to listen to each other. We started dating.

I was so used to “hiding out” in relationship — relating in black and white instead of my true colors. Steve coaxed me out of hiding. In fact, his attentiveness to how I felt when we disagreed unnerved me. I could say bold things and he never got defensive or hurt! He just got curious-er and more attentive.

And his generosity made me more curious and attentive to him.

And the discussion always ended on a major (not minor) note — without the pouting, shouting, shaming or hurtful words. Hallelujah! I thought, This is a relationship I’m excited about. Whenever we disagreed — or got “triggered” — we established a rhythm: We’d each take turns Talking (what Steve calls “being the ‘A’”) and Listening (being the “B”).

It was the first time in a romantic relationship where I got “my turn,” was encouraged to say the hard stuff and wasn’t punished for it. And I encouraged him to do the same.

You bet I married him, ladies.

Fast forward to 2017. We fell in love with electric bikes and bought a red one for him and a lime-green for me. One day while biking we hatched a plan:

“What if we go on a bike trip up the coast of Michigan?” (we love Michigan)

“What if we give talks about A & B — on how to juice up your relationship through listening?”

“At libraries, at churches, community centers. Like the guys in Minimalism.”

“And Leon what’s-his-name in The Kindness Diaries.”

“Let’s call it Electric Connections.”

“Oh that’s good.”

And that’s exactly what we’re doing. Stay tuned to get juiced.

Julie is a career coach, Forbes Contributor and public speaker who helps job seekers find jobs they’re juiced about. She and her husband Steve will be launching their Electric Connections bike ride and speaking tour in September 2018. Their mission? To bring energy and excitement back to relationships by teaching Steve’s “A/B” listening model. You can find her and Steve on Twitter at @juicedconnect and juicedconnections@gmail.com.

Julie Bondy Roberts

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My husband Steve & I are on a mission to put the juice back in relationships. We’ll do it on our electric bikes. Sept 2018. From Benton Harbor to Petosky.

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