The Do’s and Don’ts of Guiding Children

When we see parents with young children in public or at their homes, we tend to notice the way they are disciplining and guiding their children. We often see different forms of punishment, praise, rewards, and so forth. Every phrase parents say, every action parents take, leaves a difference in the child, and it may be good or bad. The good things we do to guide children could lead to great outcomes in children later in life. It could affect the way they think of themselves, learn life lessons, or the way they parent their children. The bad could lead to low self-esteem, not able to regulate emotions, and using those forms of discipline and punishment to their children. That is why we should be careful with what we say and do to our children. It could affect them for the rest of their lives.

I have had to use several strategies with children to help guide them in a positive direction in preschool. I have also gotten the opportunity to teach these principles to colleagues and parents. Through combining multiple parenting program strategies and my own experience working with children, I have developed a couple lists of what to do and what not to do. Here are the “don’ts” to guiding children:

1. All Forms of Punishment: This is a common strategy many parents take and the result of it will only harm children. The National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) states as their number one principle in their Code of Ethical Conduct, “Above all, we shall not harm children. We shall not participate in practices that are emotionally damaging, physically harming, disrespectful, degrading, dangerous, exploitative, or intimidating to children. This principle has precedence over all others in this Code.” These forms of punishment include, but are not limited too: shaming a child, isolating them (such as time-out or locking in room), withdrawing love, restricting their physical needs (such as no meals), hitting or spanking them, or labeling the child in a negative way (such as saying they are a pig or bossy). These forms of punishment will only harm them emotionally and mentally. Discipline and guidance are better strategies to use and when parents use an authoritative parenting style, giving love but also having set limits, will help them have a healthier mind.
2. Taking Away Objects: Taking a toy, object, or food away from them will not solve a problem for a child and will make them feel even more hurt. Letting the child do problem solving and making a choice regarding their feelings and the object will help them emotionally and cognitively.
3. Forcing Apologies: Telling children to say they are sorry to someone will not help them feel a self-guilt or empathy for the person they may have hurt. If a child expresses those emotions, then it would be appropriate for them to apologize and have it come from their heart.
4. Yelling: This is something some parents cannot help. Either it is their nature to do this or something triggered them to yell. Most people start yelling because they are angry, stressed, or upset about something. Sometimes, yelling at children does not have anything to do with what the children did. It is the parents who have imbalanced chemicals that make them emotional and cause them to yell. When this happens, parents should make sure they are emotionally stable enough to talk out a problem with a child. Yelling at children has lead them to do yell as well and have more aggressive behavior. Overall, children do not understand the reason behind a raised voice. It makes them feel hurt and confused about what they have done. Speaking at a kind but serious tone will help them understand something they have done and not feel hurt or confused.
5. Bribing and Rewards: Some cannot help this either so they can get children to do what the parents want. We often may say, “If you eat all your dinner, then you can have a cookie,” or a common example that sometimes happens in preschool, “If you go to gathering time, then you can hold this toy.” It may not seem bad at first, but at some point children need to learn the value of doing something for themselves and not expect a reward. When we are in a working environment, not everyone is going to get a trophy because they lost or failed. To be successful, you have to keep moving forward to improve yourself. Bribing children and rewarding them with toys, goodies, trophies, medals, stickers, and so forth can not teach children to real value of work they do and failure. Giving compliments, being appreciate of the work done, and giving appropriate constructive criticism will help them know they did something great and can improve themselves.

With what has been said about what not to do with guiding children, we can conclude that all forms of punishment, taking away objects, forcing apologies, yelling and bribing and giving rewards to children will not help them in the long run in their lives. There is a better way to help children learn life lessons and feel confident in themselves when we transition our negative guiding strategies to something positive. Here are the “do’s” of guiding children:

1. Use the FLIP It Strategy: This is always my go-to strategy when helping crying children. FLIP It stands for: Feelings, Limits, Inquiries, and Prompts. Validate what children are feeling, rather than asking why they did something, because often they do not know the why behind their behavior. Reminding them of the limit, or rule, that is placed toward not doing a behavior would be a good reminder for the child. Saying the limit to the child in positive statement, rather than negative, such as “We use the chalk to draw on the ground,” instead of, “We don’t draw with chalk on the cabinet.” Afterward, you start problem solving with the children by asking them questions on what they could do to feel better, such as “What can we do to fix this?” or “What can we do to make both of you happy?” Sometimes children are too emotional to think of a solution and that is when prompts, or suggestions, are given on what the child can do to feel better. This can be tedious and take some time and patience to find something the child can do, but eventually the child will calm down and do something to feel better.
2. Emotion Coaching: This was a strategy I took from the book, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman. He lists the five steps to emotion coaching as: 1) Being aware of the child’s emotions, 2) Recognize the emotion as an opportunity of intimacy and learning, 3) Listen empathetically and validate the child’s feelings, 4) Help the child verbally label emotions, and 5) Set limits while helping children problem solve. Along with these five steps to follow, a few strategies he gives include avoiding excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or mocking your child, ignoring your “parental agenda”, avoiding “siding with the enemy”, not imposing your solutions on your child’s problems, and being patient with the process. He said it is absolutely crucial to not emotion coach when you are tired and upset. Going back to what was said about not yelling, parents should be emotionally stable enough to handle a problem with their child. To summarize this, John Gottman said, “Stay aware of what’s going on in your child’s life. Accept and validate your child’s emotional experiences. When there is a problem, lend an ear and listen empathetically, without judgement. And be an ally when he comes to you for help with a problem. Although these steps are simple, we now know they form the basis of a lifetime of emotional support between parent and child.”
3. Positive Stated Phrases: According to Erik Erikson’s stages of development, children 18 months to 3 years have the psychosocial crisis of autonomy vs. shame and doubt. This same crisis continues to go in in the later years as well. When children are told they cannot do something, or are told “no” repeatedly, they will start to doubt what they can do and feel restricted for showing and developing the independence they need to develop. Plus, if you were to say a phrase such as, “No running!” more than half the time, children will only hear the word “running” instead of the “no” in front of it. Stating phrases with what they can do or what is right to do will respect their developing autonomy and self-esteem.
4. Give Choices: John Gottman also mentioned that an important strategy to use is empowering your child by giving choices and respecting wishes. When a child is given choices, he or she will be able to build a sense of responsibility and self-esteem. Going back to Erikson’s stage of development for 18 months to 3 year olds, children naturally want to be independent and have responsibility. They want to show people that they can do something and feel proud about it. Giving them choices can help facilitate their growing independence while also staying in the limits you may set.
5. Natural and Logical Consequences: Some can agree that we learn best through our failures and mistakes. It is the consequences of our actions that help us learn what to do and what not to do in the future. This goes the same for children. When guiding children, giving consequences for certain actions they take can affect them emotionally and mentally. Staff from Healthwise said, “Positive consequences reinforce and strengthen a behavior, while negative consequences help reduce or eliminate a behavior. Learning through experiencing consequences is much more powerful than through a lecture or punishment. Using consequences for misbehavior is an effective teaching method for dealing with behavior problems in children and teens.” Of course parents want their children to be safe, therefore, some choices children take may lead to dangerous natural consequences. That is when it is appropriate for parents to somewhat lecture the child about the natural consequences of those actions.

Childhood is about learning, developing, and becoming successful. Those early years, especially from birth to age five, are crucial to learn valuable lessons and know how to regulate emotions and have a healthy mind. The phrases we say and the guidance we give can play a huge outcome in the kind of adults they will be. Parents are role models to children. Being careful and watchful of the phrases spoken and taking care of ourselves can help children see the kind of person they want to become, and will overall help them become successful.

References:

WeAreTeachersStaff. (2015). FLIP IT! A Four-Step Strategy to Transform Challenging Student Behavior. We Are Teachers. https://www.weareteachers.com/flip-it-a-four-step-strategy-to-transform-challenging-student-behavior/

National Association for the Education of Young Children. (2011). Code of Ethical Conduct. https://www.naeyc.org/sites/default/files/globally-shared/downloads/PDFs/resources/position-statements/Ethics%20Position%20Statement2011_09202013update.pdf

Psychology Notes HQ. (2017). Erik Erikson’s Theory of Psychosocial Development. The Psychology Notes HQ. https://www.psychologynoteshq.com/erikerikson/

Gottman, John. (1997). Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child. Simon and Schuster Paperback.

Healthwise Staff. (2015). Natural and Logical Consequences for Behavior. WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/parenting/natural-and-logical-consequences-for-behavior