The Many Ways I Have Heard Myself Being Told to “Shut Up, Be Normal and Don’t Complain (or you will be tossed from the back window of this Turquoise Country Squire as we drive through the dreaded, scary point of no return Mojave Desert!”
In my mind, the Theodore Roosevelt in our world would have used pronouns like this:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the one who points out how the strong person stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the one who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if they fail, at least they fail while daring greatly, so that their place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
I heard somewhere Chiron was retrograde and since I already knew it was Mercury Retrograde, I was ready willing and able to leap into whatever mayhem was waiting to derail me with my normal gusto and naïve, earnest optimism.
After all, I was named Mom to the World before I had language.
It was a self-appointment and I didn’t know how to say it at the time anyway but I knew it was vitally important I protect, nurture and huddle up with any young or hurt or disabled person I loved or might be able to love because… if I saved them I would ultimately be saving myself at the same time.
I already knew to put Self below others — especially my particular version of Self so, just shut up and put up and protect others at all costs.
Part of this Chiron Retrograde adventure — even if I don’t believe in such things — is to investigate my deepest most animal most base core beliefs that do me no good in this life — so that I may heal them and move along.
I started by going to a place many people I love go regularly go but normally I have a difficult time with this because of three things:
1) The early 90’s. John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You and all that inner child stuff and all those self-help books I read while grieving the death of my first daughter no, I just. No. No. End the Shame Worship, Please.
2) I distrust most everything with roots in Texas. I don’t even want to start the list. I might make exceptions for Austin or San Antonio but my wound in this category is so raw and ugly I don’t want to take out a stick and tap so for now… we’ll just leave it be.
3) The soundbites I hear sound too much like stuff I wrote during my way-back-when stage and I am thinking this Big Magic stuff Elizabeth Gilbert writes about may just be true and I lost out while being Mom to the Everyone except myself.
Have any of you guessed where I went?
I googled Brene Brown and found a video. Her Top Ten rules include SHOW UP (yes, like one of mine — have you seen the selfie I took with SHOW UP in lipstick on my neck?). Wouldn’t you know it?
She told a story about a quote from Theodore Roosevelt she googled after a numbed out evening that changed her life.
Has anyone heard of my Rainer Rilke story, and how I found this amazing quote from this person Rainer Maria Rilke (and thought I was reading the words of a kindred spirit woman?)
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. “
You probably didn’t hear this story because I don’t have a Ted Talk that went viral (yet).
I have decided I am going to work on this healing as I continue to work on rebuilding my personal and creative growth business because it will just be better for us all if I do. If I embarrass anyone I love in the process, I am sorry. I’ve held back for a long time — even this week I stopped myself from recording something because I was afraid of hurting y’all so…. I am sorry in advance and I am sorry for anything I said or did that was stupid and thoughtless and arrogant and completely self centered and who knows what else.
Please note in the title I phrased it “The Many Ways I Have Heard Myself Being Told “ which is my way of saying these are my perceptions and misperceptions. These are the ways I translated and mistranslated things that have been said to me by myself and others.
Please forgive me and please also forgive me because I have just decided I will no longer give blanket apologies. I’ve spent way too much time in my life apologizing for my existence and those days are finally gone except for those brief moments I am bound to backslide.
So for the next I don’t know how long, I will be publicly exploring my healing process mostly raw and unedited. Hate it, then don’t look. Love it? Please praise me. Goodness knows I will need it!
Julie JordanScott, the Creative Life Midwife, is a writer, a poet performer, a Creativity Coach, A Social Media Whiz and a Mother of three. One of her greatest joys include loving people into their greatness they just aren’t quite able to realize yet. She spent a year working as a leader of an Instagram Group and is now leveraging that experience to create a learning workshop/playshop experience about instagram based on having fun called Summer Lovin’ with Instagram. Click this link to find out more. To set up a complimentary exploratory session, please visit here. Be sure to follow her on Social Media platforms so you may participate in one of her upcoming events. You won’t want to miss a thing — your future self will thank you!