Doomed to Fall in Love

“The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” ― Bob Marley

I thought I might have invented it: the cunning of my mind no longer surprises me. It can fabricate emotions that are adjacent to those of realities, like mirror images, making it impossible to know which are which. But the morning after I met him, I woke up and cried over you once more. Hot tears. Long after I thought I had let go. Because meeting him stirred in me the broken heart you discarded.

In hindsight, you were not a figment of my imagination.

For you, it was just for sport. You play not to win but for the love of the game. It is a race where there is no finish line. It is a contest where there is no prize. But once victorious, it is no longer fun. A rookie, I didn’t know the rules, but you were a pro. Destined to be the underdog that never rose to the occasion. I didn’t stand a chance.

In hindsight, the bets were stacked against me.

Had you been fit, I would have clocked you coming from a mile away. Even camouflaged, I would have seen you place a target on my heart well before we met. I would have disarmed you instantly. I would have left you defenseless like a soldier across enemy lines. I would have tortured you for as long as I could. I might have even fucked you. But I would have never fallen in love with you.

In hindsight, ours was a cold war.

Already satiated, you knew I wouldn’t take the bait. But like a skilled fly fisherman, you catch your prize not by luring it with sustenance but by teasing it relentlessly. Once you bothered me long enough, I recklessly bit. I fell line, sinker and hook. Victorious, you took a photo and let me go.

In hindsight, you were angling to catch and release.

I see how you manage to wrap me up in desire. You posed no threat. You were not a suitor, just a hopeless romantic with a lust for beautiful women. You made me feel safe. You made me feel kept. However, you saw right through me. In plain sight, you undressed me. You rendered me bare. But when to your surprise I leaned forward and came undone, you bowed out.

In hindsight, you were no gentlemen at all.

The very thing that made me fall for you is what ended up breaking my heart. In love with the thought of love, you never meant to possess me, just to pursue me. You want nothing from the women you seduce. It felt so liberating to be wanted without any expectation of reciprocation. It was what drew me to you. Showing no intention to follow through on your advances, you gave me the space to become your victim.

In hindsight, I was doomed to fall in love.