I find myself really torn by this piece. It’s beautifully written and you’re incredibly open here in this article. And it definitely evokes emotion, which, at first, made me think, wow a man who is really able to feel something and then(!) talk about it! But then I wonder, had you been this vulnerable and open with your wife, would you have felt the need to explore other “connections” with other people? It seems to me you simply weren’t ready for the actual commitment that comes with marriage (much less adding a child to the equation). The world seems to be facing an epidemic of young people who are unable to really know themselves. Technology has led us to believe there’s always something better around the corner. Part of growing up is realizing that those beginnings that are so easy to love, don’t last forever. Marrying someone is making a commitment to find a way to connect with them throughout their lives as you both grow and change, knowing that the beginning will go end and you will eventually face the “middle.” A commitment to finding a new level of intimacy as your lives change. Why does no one seem to understand that any more?
I find it somewhat baffling that either of you thought opening the marriage was a decent solution. We want a child, it’s not happening for us, we feel upset and desperate for a child, let’s not consider adoption or consider finding a way to be happy with just each other, let’s have sex with other people, that’ll fix it! Really? Even the way you describe her reaction to your suggestion tells me she knew that was just the beginning of the end. That seems obvious.
I don’t know, I felt connected to what you were saying, but I was also a little angry at you because your actions and your reactions to the situation were selfish, IMHO.