Deep waters

People turn love into hate, happiness into vengeance, respect into not giving a fuck, not giving a fuck into cuts from the sharpest knife. Taking all those seconds and being determined into making them dust in the wind. Leaving scars made by themselves alone, because they’re not theirs, and they’re certainly not important anymore. Because they were once important. Because being forgotten is like being dunked into those waters only found north and south of our home. Because one is not valuable anymore, and a silver lining is nowhere to be found.

But every one of us has to face those waters someday. Some sooner rather than later. Because postponing the dive with errands is just another way of denial. And denial, oh denial. It changes people. The sooner you dive, the sooner it gets back inside that box of feelings we swear not to open. But the dive is only half of it. There is no one meeting us half-way. No one throwing us the rope we so desperately need.

No.

We must make our own rope while drowning. We must throw it far and pull while we go unconscious. We must close our eyes and realize it’s almost over while the cold gets inside every bone in our body. Then, and only then we’ll go up. Up again. Afraid. Let down. Knowing that this isn’t the last time we’ll be wet with bitterness and regret. Writing words like this in a fool’s attempt to materialize our feelings, only to read them back until we believe them.

Knowing it’s human to make mistakes.

It’s human to fuck it all up.

It’s human to bargain.

But recognizing always when we’ve gone too far. When we feel both an unstoppable force and an immovable object that meet each other. Knowing which battles to pick and which ones to lose. And above all, if all this is worth the suffering. If sacrificing one end of the stick makes up for shining up the other end.

Asking questions and coming up with answers that draw a smile in our faces. Fixing up mistakes. Letting time pass by. Letting peace find its way back home.

Forgiving. Not to make someone else happy. But because forgiving someone else is the only way to make peace with your inner self. Forgiving, quietly, keeping it to us. Forgiving, hoping the very best to all of those who turned you down. Because we’re better than asking for the worst. Saying “thank you” from the deepest place in our souls. Sincerely. Anonymously. And after all that time, the satisfaction we’ll all get while drinking alone to that cup of tea on a rainy day, is the best feeling in the world.

That one feeling we’ll never want to lock up again.

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