Happy birthday, Uncle Herman
For me, there was never a time or a stage of life where my uncle wasn’t present. I grew up having a childlike adoration for my uncle that is still with me today. My uncle constantly demonstrated the most genuine kind of love and care. There was never a conversation that ended, a card given, or a text sent that didn’t end with him telling me that he loved me and was proud of me. He believed in me and he believed in those around him. He saw everyone’s potential and did what he could so that they could reach it.
When I was little, my uncle gave me a beautiful Madam Alexander doll. But there was one problem. The doll blinked and made a crying sound when you tipped her back. I was terrified of this doll and had nightmares about her. Instead of my uncle telling me I was crazy, he taped the dolls eyes opened for me so I could play with her, without being scared. Though this was such a small demonstration of love, it meant the world to me and here we are over 25 years later, and I still remember him doing this act of kindness for me.
One of my favorite memories I have of him is when I was in college. It was a dreaded Valentine’s Day and everyone seemed to have a sweetheart to celebrate the holiday with. I went to my mailbox anticipating a gift from my parents to help brighten my spirits. But on this particular Valentine’s Day I had two boxes and two cards in the mail. I remember rushing to my room to open the boxes to find out who they were from. One box was from my parents and the other one was from uncle Herman. And not only did he send me flowers, but he sent me a teddy bear and a sweet card letting me know he was thinking about me and loved me. I called him up and we talked for over an hour. Though I don’t remember what we talked about I remember laughing so hard it hurt. Not only was my uncle caring but he was so full of joy and laughter; it was contagious to everyone around him. He taught those around him to find humor in life, even in the things that didn’t always make sense.
In 2011 I moved to Massachusetts, not realizing that my uncles and grandma lived one state over. Unbeknownst to me, this was probably one of the best gifts I could have. Though we didn’t visit each other frequently, uncle Herman and I would check-in with each other every few months. One day he called me up and let me know that my mom told him I was looking for a car. He told me that he just bought a 1994 Ford Tempo and that I could have it if I wanted it. I told him that I absolutely wanted it and just like that, my uncle drove from CT to MA to bring me this car. My uncle was always looking out for the people around him, willing to sacrifice time and money to ensure they were taken care of.
Though not always demonstrated, my uncle had a very sentimental side to him. I remember visiting him once and he drove me to various parts of town; showing me where he, my mom, and the rest of their siblings grew up. He showed me a house that he built with his own two hands and brought me to the ocean to breath in the salty air with him. During this visit, I felt closer to him than ever, because he was sharing a piece of himself with me; memories and experiences. And I was grateful for this demonstration of love and care as this is a gift that cannot be bought.
One thing that I appreciated about uncle Herman is that I could be 100% myself around him and he was always accepting of me and my personality quirks. I could send him a random picture of me dressed up in a costume, tell him the lamest story, or update him on basic life facts and he would demonstrate interest, care, and give me his full attention because that’s who he was. In today’s world where everyone is multitasking and so busy, knowing that I could just simply be, around him was a privilege.
In 2017 I got engaged to my husband Dale. A couple of months into our engagement I told him we needed to take a road trip to CT so he could meet my uncles, grandma, and one of my aunts who was going to be in town.
You know how folks will tell you that men don’t care or want to know about all the details that women care about when it comes to style and fashion? Well this didn’t apply to my uncle when it came to our wedding. Why? Because he would get excited about the things I got excited about simply because he cared about what I cared about. I take my engagement ring off for no one, but I remember taking it off for him so he could see the intricate detail. He wanted to see the details of my dress and what hairstyle I was going to wear on my wedding day. His level of interest in my life always made me feel special, of value, and like I was on top of the world. I never doubted his care and would tell people that I was one of his favorite people. This of course may not have been true but there are few people who make you feel this way and Uncle Herman was one of them. My uncle also treated my husband like another one of his nephews. He went from sending me text messages asking how I was to always asking how Dale and I were doing as soon as he knew we were together. He would tell me that he loved both of us, which again made me proud of being who I was and proud to be his niece.
August of 2018 was the last time that I saw my uncle his “normal self”. He sent me a text asking if he could drive over to see me and Dale and our new home. I told him absolutely and cancelled all plans we had because like I mentioned before, I adored this man and being in his presence was always a gift. My uncle wanted to bring my grandma and one of my aunts with him but was unsure if my grandma would be okay with the length of the road trip. At one point it sounded like my uncle wasn’t going to be able to make it because he and my aunt didn’t want to exhaust my grandma. But my uncle texted me the next morning saying they were coming. I thought it odd that my uncle was so insistent about it but was more than thrilled. Looking back, I realize that he probably knew he was sick and I regret not taking a walk with him or holding onto him a little longer.
During my uncles last few weeks of life on this earth, many of us just found out that he was ill. When my mom told me, I remember wiping tears away and thinking how life wasn’t supposed to go this way for my uncle. It seemed like yesterday when he was telling me how excited he was to finally retire. Not only that but he was still young, and was the pillar and rock for so many people.
A week before my uncle passed away I got word that the doctors couldn’t do anything else for him. I knew that my uncle didn’t want me to see him in the state that he was in but I told Dale I wanted to see him as soon as possible. So we drove to CT and visited him in the hospital. My uncle was sleeping when we entered his room and we sat by his bed side, quietly waiting for him to wake up. When he woke up, he was obviously a little startled because he wasn’t expecting us but he told us he was so glad we were there.
Even in his pain, he wanted to know how we were, he wanted to make sure we were comfortable, and asked if we needed anything. I was and am still so astounded by this. Here was a man dying on his death bed, yet still caring about those around him, still wanting to make sure they’re okay, still wanting to know “what’s new”. The three of us chit chatted off and on. One of the things he told me was that he tried to always be there for me throughout my life. This brought me to tears and I assured him that there wasn’t any trying but that he was there for me and that he was there for so many and he needed to know this. During the last few hours of our visit we chatted some more, we held hands, and shared what would be our last special moments together. We didn’t say “goodbye”. Instead I told him “I’ll see you later” and he nodded his head. The day my uncle passed I woke up sensing he was gone, my heart already feeling his absence.
My uncle was such a special man to me. It breaks my heart that I can no longer call and tell him my latest adventure that I’ve gotten myself into or text him asking if he’ll be around for me to drive over and spend the day with him. Though he is gone, he has left all of us with a beautiful legacy. The legacy of being present for one another. The legacy of sharing memories and pieces of ourselves. The legacy of being willing to sacrifice time and money to benefit another’s life, the legacy of encouragement and support, the legacy of always reminding those around us that they are loved, the legacy of being there for our families; always, no matter what.
Uncle Herman, today I remember you as a mighty soldier. Thank you for being one of my biggest supports, always in the frontline, always cheering me on, always showing up, always making sure I knew I was loved, always taking care of those around you, always sacrificing for others, always lending a listening ear, always willing to share and enjoy life. Always leading by example. We honor you today and will continue to keep your memory strong and your legacy alive. Thanks for being such a great uncle, friend, and someone to look up to. Rest in peace.
Your forever adoring niece.
This tribute was originally written in April 2019.
