I Hate Being Pathetic
We are all in line with the notion that people come and go in our lives. And only with two letters “GO” can pull us away in sorrow and make us feel weak. But, my writing this time will look pathetic.
A few months ago, one of the characters in my book unlocked. At first, I thought this character would quickly slip off the pages of my book because I had no interest in first dates. All expectations do not appear initially, and we plan to enjoy a simple dinner while spending the night before tomorrow’s bustling return. The day returns to normal after a few weeks. We can even do other dates with the universe's permission for several weeks. Before the drama, I intended to spend time with that person to make it my social break. Again, the universe tries to bring feelings from our small jokes and silly stories every single date we have been thru. I hate when the expectations start arriving in my mind, primarily when the feeling of butterflies starts flying in my stomach, resulting from a simple treatment that made me overreact. Even though my brain hates it coming, my heart still dominantly opens all those scenarios. Maybe my heart got shocked and missed that feeling without thinking about how vital my brain’s logic is to take care of me.
Long story short, the first sentence in this writing happened. Knowing that one of my new characters would do a “two death letters” (go), my heart went crazy, and my brain started laughing at me. However, the “two death letters” relief didn’t happen. Since then, I have returned to hate the mindset of my heart which has been consumed by this situation again. This person always comes and goes, as if playing with my heart and feelings. Sometimes this person leaves without a goodbye but suddenly returns quickly with an annoying smile emoticon. I am annoyed, angry, and furious. Why am I back to being pathetic here? Why is this heart so stupid in this geeky thing? Why can other people take control of me? Why?! Why has this happened?
Sometimes we already set boundaries as firmly as possible, but why this heart is too sensitive? Why am I getting restless in the middle of that person sleeping well at night? Why do I have to stay up late at night to think of a way out of this besides that person looking so peaceful there? I'm not too fond of it. I hate to look pathetic in this way. And I hope you won’t feel the pitiful feeling inside me right now.
One day I thought running as fast as possible was the only way. On other days, I think running is what kills me the most.
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Xoxo,
Julsky (Jule in the sky)
