Julna Nankap
Sep 7, 2018 · 4 min read

BUILDING TRUST WITH YOUR TEENAGER.

Building trust with your teenager is an essential part of your parenting role. You must learn to understand the operation of your teen’s mind for you to succeed in building any trust with him. One of the essence of parental intelligence is your ability to understand your teen and the operation of his mind. In essence, you must be deliberate in carefully knowing what your teen’s goals, aspirations, desires, imaginations and fantasies are.

The question on the minds of parents(especially in this era where teenagers seem to have overwhelming activities and information at their disposal) is; how then do I know and understand the operation of my teen’s mind? Well here are a few tips to assist you in so doing and hence boost your ability to build trust between you and your him.

1. AVOID Constantly Asking “what is wrong with you”?

This question is only right if it is only asked to genuinely know and not just a rhetorical outburst of anger or frustration. You must always remember that the only thing wrong with your teen is the fact that his frontal lobe (the part of the brain that controls reasoning, planning as well as decision making) is still being developed hence, the reasons why his decisions(unlike yours as an adult) are mostly spontaneous and irrational. According to Neurologist, Dr. Frances Jensen in his book ‘The Teenage Brain’, says “so the brain just doesn’t know how to regulate itself yet. They’re like Ferraris with weak brakes”. He went further to say that as a parent, “Teenagers make more sense when you understand that the frontal lobe of the brain… is the last part to fully develop”.

2. FOCUS More On Your Teen’s Intentions Rather Than Actions.

We established previously that because the frontal lobe (the decision making part of a teenager’s brain) is not fully developed, he has the tendencies to make decisions/ choices that are faulty even though he never really intended that the outcome be so. It is easy for you as a parent to misinterpret what he is doing because you you don’t seek to understand the intentions behind the actions he takes.

Another principle of parental intelligence is that, every behavior (action) has a meaning. Learn to talk to your teen about the intentions behind his behavior, action or misbehavior as the case may be. This will help you understand and learn more about his goals and ways by which he thinks things through. It’s time to start talking WITH your teen and not always talking TO him.

3.LISTEN Carefully To Each Other’s Perspective.

Listening must be active in all circumstances. Active listening is simply your ability to listen to what a person is saying keenly with the aim of understanding the person’s point of view and not just listening to reply. Active listening can be a very powerful tool in building a positive relationships with your teen. You must never forget that teens and adults have different points of view. Instead of always trying to win an argument, listen carefully to each Other’s point of reasoning. Most parents are “waiting to talk/respond” and never actually listening to what their teen has to say. Listening is an investment you need to make as a parent. Make yourself accessible and as much as possible, avoid putting off your teen when he comes to talk to you. When you say “not now, we’ll talk later”, you have just closed the door of readiness to talk and you may never get him to talk about it again. This is because, the best time for your teen to talk to you about anything important is when he feels ready to talk.

Be the confidant that your teen expects you to be; keep secrets and feelings that are touchy to yourself, avoid using things he told you in confidence to scold and criticize him in the future, because this will only further shut the gate of healthy communication you’re trying to open.

Active listening is one of the most effective ways of building trust in every relationship; albeit a parent-teen relationship.

4.SHOW Unconditional Love.

Understand that you must ensure to love your teen no matter what he does or does not do. Unconditional love is loving irrespective of what the person has or can offer. When your teen knows and feels loved unconditionally, he is more likely to blossom and build a lasting relationship with you. Appreciate his strength as well as his weakness, accept the fact that he is not an adult yet and avoid expecting too much of him. By doing these(and lots more), you will succeed in building trust between you and him hence, creating an enduring healthy relationship.

REMEMBER, effective parenting is a deliberate, calculated and skillfully planned responsibility

Having challenges relating with your child/teen?
Seek Assistance Today.
Call: +23484546741
Facebook:Parents-Teen Relationship Consult.
Twitter: @Parents-Teen
https://parentsteen.wordpress.com
Mail:parentsteencenter@gmail.com

…Do it right, do it well, and create a better tomorrow.
Julna Nankap(Esq)
Parents-Teen Coach.

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