Dear Church, Are All Your Kids Safe?
Why LGBTQ+ youth are dying — and what you can do about it.
I know first-hand how isolating church can be for people who aren’t straight. The good news is many churches now welcome and affirm LGBTQ+ Christians. But the reality is the vast majority of churches today explicitly or implicitly uphold “non-affirming” theology and enforce policies that exclude gender and sexual minorities.
But I’m not here to debate theology or church policy. I’m here to start a conversation about keeping kids safe. Whether your church is affirming, non-affirming or somewhere in between, every faith community needs to consider the safety and well-being of ALL kids, including queer youth.
Why do we need to talk about this? Because chances are you have kids in your youth group, Sunday school and Bible camps who are not straight. According to the Trevor Project’s National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health, more than 1 in 3 LGBTQ youth identify with a religion, and 1 in 4 describe it as “important” or “very important” to them. However, faith communities can be a dangerous place for these young believers, especially if they are taught that queerness is a choice, and one that could lead to eternal damnation.
I know most Christians aren’t intentionally trying to harm kids. Well-meaning churches, like the one I attended for twenty years, insist that even though they only validate heteronormative views of marriage, sexuality and gender identity, they are “welcoming” of LGBTQ people and love them sincerely. They don’t quite understand that telling people they are welcome doesn’t equate to those people feeling welcomed, let alone loved. More than politeness, more than kindness, what we need to feel welcomed is to be treated as equal bearers of God’s image — just as glorious and flawed, sinful and sanctified as anyone else. So until that can happen, we need to do more to keep kids safe beyond saying “all are welcome here.”
I know some of you are thinking, but at our church, we love all our kids equally and make sure everyone feels safe and valued. Please pause for a moment and hear me when I say this:
When a church presents a God who is grieved by queerness, queer kids cannot feel safe.
When we use terms like traditional marriage, biblical sexuality, moral lifestyle to refer solely to heterosexual couplings, we create a toxic environment where queer kids, without adult guidance, can become trapped in an insidious cycle of self-hate and internalized homophobia. They come to believe that who they are is wrong and shameful to God. To stay in God’s favor, they can never live authentically. Never talk freely about their hearts’ desire. Never hope to fall in love and feel good about it. At such a young, formative age, they face the bleak reality of life-long secrecy or life-long celibacy.
An epidemic of shame and silence
When churches talk about the “LGBTQ topic,” it tends to be a debate about church policies — hiring, ordination, elder candidacy, same-sex weddings, etc. While these topics are important, we must broaden the conversation to consider the well-being of LGBTQ kids in our congregations. Why? Because our silence perpetuates an epidemic of shame with catastrophic consequences. The Trevor Project estimates that at least 1.2 million LGBTQ youth (ages 13–18) in the U.S. seriously consider suicide each year. And according to the American Journal of Preventive Medicine, those involved in faith communities may have significantly higher rates of suicidal ideations and suicide attempts.
While all teens are at risk for suicide, LGBTQ kids are 3.5 times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight peers. Queer kids are more vulnerable to depression and self-harm because they experience so much rejection, including bullying in school and shaming at home. And unlike LGBTQ adults, queer adolescents don’t yet have the emotional resources to handle such pressure.
For those in faith communities, there’s the added spiritual stigma. It’s frightening enough for queer kids to standout in a heterocentric world, but when salvation is on the line, can you imagine what that does to a young soul? Imagine the queer or questioning youth in your own congregation. They may be hidden. They may not feel safe talking about this. But they are there. Sitting in your pews. Listening to every word. Watching for clues to answer their burning questions: Why am I like this? Am I broken? Can I change? Will God love me if can’t?
These kids are so wanting, needing to be fed spiritually. They want to know more about Jesus and find their place in God’s kingdom. But these young souls carry a yoke of fear, shame and self-hatred too heavy for anyone to bear. Many end up leaving their faith behind, or worse, decide that life is no longer worth living.
Is this the kind of church environment we want for our kids? Can we really accept that so many of our little ones suffer in shame, choosing self-harm over self-disclosure, abandoned faith over abundant life?
Creating a safe place for LGBTQ youth
As founder of Beloved Arise, the first national Christian organization dedicated to LGBTQ youth of faith, I believe that every young life is precious to God. No exceptions. If you agree, I urge you to take a stand in your own faith community. I know it’s uncomfortable and even costly to do so. But staying silent in the sidelines is no longer acceptable when our kids’ spiritual, emotional, physical well-being is at stake.
I call on every church — affirming or not — to take these six steps to create safer places for LGBTQ youth:
Step 1: Be clear about your message to youth.
Beyond church policies and denominational tenets, what is it you want your LGBTQ kids to know about who they are and what their life means to God? Please remind them that nothing, nothing, nothing can ever separate them from the love of God! Please refrain from hate the sin, love the sinner language. No matter how kindly you say it, a kid will often just hear God hates me.
Step 2: Denounce shaming and bullying.
Be clear that as a church you do not condone any form of shaming or bullying of LGBTQ people. Enforce a zero-tolerance policy for offensive remarks or behavior in all youth group activities. Provide a safe way for kids to share concerns they may have about bullying behavior.
Step 3: Include LGBTQ youth safety in church protocols and procedures.
Churches typically have safety protocols and training for anyone working with youth. Make sure yours includes guidelines for working with LGBTQ youth. Reconciling Networks, PFLAG, and Advocates for Youth have resources to help get you started.
Step 4. Offer guidance for kids and families in crisis.
For many LGBTQ youth, breaking the news to parents and family is the scariest part of coming out. Queer kids worry about being rejected, being shamed, being kicked out of the house. Make it known that if families are going through this, the church wants to help. Ministries like Embracing the Journey offer coaching and guidance for families (especially those in conservative churches). Find more resources on Beloved Arise’s page for parents.
Step 5. Acknowledge differing viewpoints on LGBTQ inclusion.
Many LGBTQ kids grow to hate themselves because they’ve come to believe that who they are is an abomination to God. Even if your church holds a non-affirming stance, I hope we can agree that we don’t want any kid to ever believe this. LGBTQ kids, especially those trapped in self-destructive behavior, need to know that while your church is non-affirming, there are many followers of Jesus who hold a different point of view. You don’t have to agree to it or subvert your church tenets. But kids need to know that there are LGBTQ Christians (including pastors, theologians, teachers and parents) who lead joyful, faithful lives. Feel free to point kids to Beloved Arise where they can join an online youth group and find resources to help them grow their faith, including the free ebook, God is For You: A Queer Teen’s Guide to Affirming Theology.
Step 6. Partner with affirming churches.
More and more churches in virtually every denomination are becoming affirming of LGBTQ Christians. Perhaps there is an affirming church nearby that’s similar to yours. Introduce kids and their families to these churches as an additional (or alternative) resource for shepherding kids in their spiritual and social development. There may even be opportunities to connect queer youth with a mentor, ideally an LGBTQ Christian who can walk alongside them and their families. Church Clarity’s nationwide database may be helpful in your search.
Do you notice something about this list? Any of them can be done without necessarily changing a church’s policies on LGBTQ inclusion. Of course, my hope and prayer is that someday every church will awaken to the boundless gospel which is for all people, including gender and sexual minorities. But because this is literally a matter life and death, we cannot wait until then.
Dear church, let’s take action now to ensure the safety and spiritual health of all our kids. Be bold. Be creative. Be wise. Just don’t be quiet any more.
