love?

How do you know you love someone? That question has been on my mind for a while now. The word “love” is abstract. That means we define it ourselves. The people in my life, I know for certain I love. The love I have for them is grand, golden, and blinding. But my question is not about my family or friends. I sincerely want to know what romantic love is.

A part of me thinks that I should know what love is by now. Derick, Bryan, Don Jeremy, and Roger all had their good and bad moments, and regardless of outcome, I am glad to have known them all. I do not deny that I loved all these four men, but they were all loved differently. Derick was a dark and brooding love where we fought most of the time. And while Bryan and Roger were both safe and wholesome loves, Don Jeremy was a passionate and poisonous kind. I could write a book about what these things are, but the point is, I learned so much from each of them. However, I still didn’t get to know the type love I dream of from any of them.

Sherman has my whole heart. I have never met someone who has taken my breath away the same way. I have never wanted to cry out of happiness writing about someone, but I feel so full right now. I laugh and smile when I think about him. He’s my background on my phone and laptop, and I’m not ashamed of it. I constantly show him I adore him, and I am so excited to be around him each time. He says all the right things (and by that, he says all the right and right wrong things that I’ve ever wanted). He’s smart and fun, and the best thing is that we laugh together. I have never laughed at the same things with anyone but my best friends, and I truly believe he has become my best friend.

I look forward to talking to him all the time. I look forward to seeing him all the time. I want to talk to him and see him all the time. I cannot believe he exists.

And I don’t know why he isn’t my boyfriend yet. I am scared of making it official because of several things. I don’t know how to tell my family. I don’t know if he’s ready. I don’t know if we’re ready. I don’t know what it will be like when I move back to Davis. But I know that he’d be worth it all.

When I was with my other boyfriends, I automatically thought about the future. Derick and I had a daughter named Hayli. Bryan and I had Audrey and Jane. DJ and I had a daughter named Clara. Roger and I imagined a married life together as well, with dogs and two kids. But all of those futures were not reasonable. I couldn’t really be with my 8th grade boyfriend forever. Bryan and I weren’t cut out for each other; I was a dick. DJ and I were also too different when it came to goals. Roger would make decisions based on me instead of on his own motivations. Those were all scary things for me.

When it comes to Sherman, I don’t see that far, and I mean this in a good way. All I see is us two, and all I want is tomorrow. I want more and more tomorrows with him. We’re both people from education. We’re both people from San Francisco. We’re both people who want each other.

God, I fucking love him. I don’t know why I’m so serious about keeping those three words to myself. I feel like everything we have done has been out of order, but when you do the sweet things with the right person… It’s still sweet. It’s still love. I’m in love.

Going to New York and not seeing him for a week has been so difficult. I love seeing Sherman. I know that our distance is difficult. It always will be. But I want him in my life. I want him so bad, and I know it. I don’t want to let go. I’m going to be there for him, and I am going to put my one hundred. I feel this excitement about him more and more everyday, and to know that my feelings for him have grown even more being apart for five days tells me so much.

I think that’s what love is. A combination of a simple touch, a hopeful dream, and a feeling inextinguishable from which you’ll never feel the same again without.

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