League of Babies Newsletter Week 3

Week 3 newsletter

I know, I know, you’ve all been thinking. “June, your newsletter is late! What the hell is going on?”

Well first off, Mr. Straw Man, my newsletter is not late, because I live my whole life the Gandalf way — never early or late, but arriving precisely when I mean to. Also, Straw Man, if that’s even your real name, I’ve been hard at work ogling over my new turntable, hence the delayed publishing of the newsletter, because that is the sort of person that I am.

Let me tell you a little something about this turntable. The Dual 1229 is a German made table from the 1970s. Most turntables fall in the category of belt or direct drive. A belt-driven table has a motor that turns a pulley which turns a belt which turns the platter where your record sits. Advocates of this kind of turntable say it’s the superior form because you can always easily replace a rubber belt (which on many turntables is nothing more than a glorified rubber band). A direct drive table opts out of these complications and instead attaches the platter directly to the motor. Hence, the motor directly drives the platter.

The Dual 1229 is neither of these things. Instead, it’s some other kind of turntable whose name escapes me, but basically there’s a flat rubber plate inside that spins and shit moves and it’s cool. The 1229 is a fully mechanical automatic turntable(!), meaning one motor drives the platter, and a series of mechanical components moves the tonearm to the exact location it needs to go, and automatically stops and resets once your record is done. If you unplug this table and simply spin the platter, the arm will lift up as designed, start to move over to the platter, and at this point you should stop spinning the platter like a jackass and plug it in and listen to a fucking record.

Why am I explicating on turntables when this is the weekly newsletter for the League of Babies?

The real question is why are you still reading this stupid article. Idiot.

The Bad

Okay yeah so last week was kind of rough for some teams. Remember all the horrifying injuries of week 1? That never stops. Adrian Peterson went down and is opting for surgery for his meniscus. It sounds painful, and he’ll be out a few weeks. Danny Woodhead, which I initially mistyped as Danny Weedhead because holy shit he looks high in that Yahoo player profile picture, is out for the season, thus adding to the collective nihilism of the hellhole known as San Diego, which is of course, Spanish for a whale’s vagina. Donte Moncrief of the Colts left early in the game after suffering a broken scapula(!), AKA shoulder blade, which probably wins last week’s award for most creative injury. Another shitty thing was when I found this listing for the Dual 1229 on craigslist, the table was unable to start and none of the knobs seemed to work. Because of this, I was able to talk the price down to $45. Little did the seller know, however, that the reason these knobs get stuck is because when they initially sold these tables, they simply lubed with grease, which over the decades turns into gum and causes the mechanical components to stick. Never lube with grease, as the common saying goes.

Jimmy Garrapolo, which is another name I’m not sure I believe is real, of the NE Patriots, suffered an injury and had to leave the game after a hard hit. As of this writing, some dude the Patriots found in the parking lot of the Busch’s baked beans factory in Boston is throwing footballs, and after him in the depth chart is Julian Edelman, whom every T.V. personality has pleasured themselves immensely with reminding us all he was a quarterback a million years ago at Kent State. Thursday games are always shitshows, and the idea of Edelman reaching back into his muscle memory to lead the broken, almost Gronk-less, Dion-Lewis-less, cheating-Tom-Brady Patriots to victory seems impossible to me. Counterpoint: the Pats are 2–0.

Speaking of teams that are 2–0, let’s talk about who isn’t 2–0 in our league. At this point, Niki’s team is such a joke that if anyone actually loses to her this season, they probably owe her like a million dollars or something. Unfortunately, Niki has expressed the possibility that some gremlin leftover from David Bowie’s lair in Labyrinth might be taking over, so I can’t wait to start shitting on whoever that person is. For teams that have had it tough, Andrew lost to a seemingly-unstoppable team Tysen in week 1, but then suddenly monsoon season hit Pittsburg and Antonio Brown caught 4 passes for a measly 39 yards, and Mark Ingram and the Saints marched right into the local mattress store and promptly took a huge nap, and Tysen’s team lost in week 2 in pathetic fashion to my own brother, Scrub Ma. More on the disaster that was the NO vs NYG game in the section titled, “The Ugly”. Josh continually is let down by the gods of fantasy football. Todd Gurley looks stifled by his surrounding cast of oompa loompas, Devonta Freeman looks worse than Tevin Coleman, and Eli Manning grossly under-performed in his game. Once again, Giants v Saints will be covered below.

The Good

There were good things last week. First, after getting a $400 repair quote for my Dual 1229, I found an old Jewish hermit in Aurora who would fix it for 50 bucks, on the condition that I listen to his very lengthy story about a miraculous dog and the sale of his own Dual 1229 several years ago. It was an amazing story, but I think whatever God that was involved in this story was feeling like being an ass, because I ended up way behind schedule and got caught in traffic for an hour on my way home. Before I had a car in the big city, I never understood why people got mad while driving. Why road rage when you could just not, I used to think. Oh, naievity. Now I firmly believe that the next big start-up is a service that puts punchable teenagers (which are all of them, let’s be honest) in cars of commuting drivers, so that they may be verbally abused and/or punched in the face repeatedly as effective stress relief. It would be the most valuable contribution a moody 14 year old has ever made to society. On second thought, why is this in the good section?

Oh that’s right, my price quote. Yeah, there’s a metaphor there about something. You can find it if you want.

Like the dog in the story the hermit told me, the Odd Squad and Campbell Todd had an excellent week sticking to the basics. Sticking to the basics is a euphemism for letting Matt Forte drive, to the tune of 100 yards and 3 touch downs. Arizona had an excellent, high-scoring defensive performance last week as well, working 4 interceptions, a fumble, and a touchdown. There’s so much more to say but let’s not dwell on the past.

The Ugly

June, you might be wondering out loud to me, why are you moving so quickly through all this material? Could it be that you’re salty about losing? Do you feel pressured because you’re behind schedule? I thought you said there wasn’t a schedule? Are you saying you’re a liar, June?

Or, perhaps, are you upset that the Saints-Giants game, which was a total nuclear war last year with a final score of 49–52, ended as a complete snooze-fest this season? Were you mad that suddenly the Giants didn’t know how to move the football, scoring their only first-half points on a defensive return touchdown? Were you horrified to see that somehow, some way, the Saints, who gave up 35 points to the Raiders on week 1, managed to cook up a defense using voodoo magic that kept the Giants below 20 points? For comparison, if you simply started the opposing quarterback against the Saints every game in 2015, your strategy would yield a top 5 fantasy QB. From week 8 of last year to now, opposing quarter backs average 30.5 fantasy points against the Saints. Forgive me and the rest of the football watching world for guessing that last week would be more of the same. Somehow I blame Eli Manning for this. Fantasy football is a cruel mistress.

Did you know that the Dual 1229 can play multiple records in sequence, but most people with brain cells can infer that stacking multiple records on a platter damages the records so no one ever does it?

What’s Next

This Sunday, I’m looking for Theo Riddick to blow up in PPR formats after Ameer Abdullah went down for several weeks with a foot injury. The Lions have already been utilizing Riddick well in the passing game (which has always been his role). I don’t expect him to transition to being a 3-down back, but Abdullah’s abscence will force more volume to Riddick.

I’m looking forward to watching the Miami Dolphins stomp on the Browns, which is a cruel thing to say, really. That’s like saying I want to watch people beat dead gorillas, or advocate for punching young people in cars, and only a horrible person would say something like that. The Browns suffered another QB injury as Josh McCown was pounded into guacamole on Sunday. Cody Kessler gets the start, and I, like many football fans, imagine that this is going to be a general downgrade for the Browns, who have been in the “oh my god this get’s worse?!” stage of football fandom for decades.

I’m looking forward, not for fantasy purposes of course, for the return of Jamaal Charles, who is a generational talent. Of course, his return (which has been called into question as well recently) will signal the significant devaluation of Spencer Ware, who has also been playing out of his mind these first couple of weeks, but it will be good to watch him out on the field again. The possibility of a future committee with Ware and West is out there, but you have to believe that Jamaal, who already has insane numbers for the number of carries in his career, will vastly outweigh the Ware/West combo with fries.

I was going to say I am looking forward to the Patriots losing but, as of this writing, 3rd string quarterback Mr. Rogers and the whole fucking neighborhood walked 27 yards in to the endzone past a Houston defense that was too busy looking at Tom Brady’s brass balls for a touchdown. There really is no god.

Best of luck out there this weekend folks. And remember, always clean your records first before you play them.

June

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