Why We Should Focus On Healthy Relationships, Limiting Desultory Ones.
The superficial relationships that don’t pour into us.
As an adult, ask yourself how you would benefit from a superficial relationship? What exactly is it that you feel you would get out of a relationship that tends to exist on the surface only? As humans, I feel that we don’t do enough due diligence when it comes to who we decide to let into our lives. Many people just come to take things from us spiritually and emotionally, without offering us anything in return. It’s a common characteristic of superficial relationships. But how does that really serve you as an individual? Can we really build authentic relationships based on superficial behavior?
Defining Superficial Relationships
Superficial relationships are those relationships that tend to only exist on the surface. There’s usually never a deeper meaning to the relationship itself. These are the kinds of relationships that are built “around” walls. To be honest, rather than calling it a relationship, which is a bond between two people. I’d much rather refer to this as a “Situationship”. Simply because with these types of relationships, they often lack clarity and emotional intimacy. In my opinion, people choose to form superficial relationships when they are scared of commitment and emmotionally immature. By not allowing yourself to develop these deeper connections with other individuals. You are effectively drawing up your own exit route so that you can flee with no explanation if things get uncomfortable for you.
My Experience With A Superficial Relationship With A Friend
I want to tell you about a time in my life where I met a very inconsistent individual. This person would have preferred to keep everything superficial if it meant that they didn’t have to make a commitment. When we would converse with one another, the conversation was almost always about them. I suspect that they did this because allowing me to express myself would be too much emotional intimacy for them to handle. Once we transfer energy, rather it be through words or body language, the other person will receive it. Hence this is why everyone would probably agree that energy is powerful, and it transfers. Anyways though, the first red flag that this person was emotionally unavailable, was that when we first started to converse. They straight let it out that they were inconsistent and then started trauma dumping.
The trauma dumping was deliberate though, as they would only reveal certain pieces of information about themselves. This led to a host of guessing games and well, to make a long story short, the friendship went nowhere. This person was just not willing to open up. Unfortunately, they were dead set on keeping things very superficial. That kind of approach does not work for me as I prefer to have deep meaningful connections that will allow for both of us to grow together as individuals. Time is important and we shouldn’t spend it in relationships that drain us.
The friendship that I had with this person was very superficial. They knew a lot about me, but I really knew nothing about them. Two months later, silence creped in as this person started to deliberately ignore me, basically ghosting me to an extent. When I asked this person why they started to act this way, they basically just told me that they were just inconsistent and it was them not me. Still to this day, I can not wrap my head around the interaction.
The Downsides of Cultivating Superficial Relationships: Why We Should Be Leary Of Them
In my opinion, superficial relationships in the long term just aren’t the best idea. In fact, I believe that these kinds of relationships are the worst for us because they are often emotionally abusive. There’s no growth happening if we can never talk about the hard things. The ability to be vulnerable and to let others in is a work of art. If we would like to connect with others on a deeper level, it’s imperative to work on being able to open ourselves up to them. You can’t do this in superficial relationships as they will never have a deeper meaning, due to the inability for one person to receive the other person emotionally. This I believe in return leads to lack of individual growth, a major downside to these kinds of relationships.
The individual that I developed a friendship with is a prime example of why we shouldn’t have superficial relationships. They are often one-sided, emotionally draining, and usually lack any kind of direction. I was actually taken back by the way this person started treating me because it was so abrupt. It really had me questioning myself. Superficial relationships tend to make you feel that way. With the lack of communication, it would have you wondering whether you’re even worthy of their attention.
Confronting the Elephant Behind Superficial Relationships: Why Some People Prefer Them.
Now, I’m not a psychologist or anything but I have been in counseling for over 10 years now. I probably have studied almost every attachment theory that you can think of. In fact, I have actually spent my entire life studying people. I only got really serious about it four months ago. This actually all started when I decided that I wanted to break free from my own childhood trauma and so I started analyzing my own behaviors. It’s like it unlocked a whole new meaning to what it means to build healthy authentic relationships with other individuals. So why do some people instead prefer superficial relationships? Here are my top 3 reasons and I promise to be short =).
1. To Avoid Emotional Accountability
Ever heard the saying “What they don’t know, won’t hurt them?” Well that most definitely applies here, as I believe that it is the main reason that many people choose to avoid deep emotional connections with other individuals. Think about it, if you don’t know about a person’s trials and tribulations, you simply cannot invest any emotional energy into it. Same as for yourself, if you don’t talk about your own traumas, you simply cannot heal effectively from them. That is why superficial relationships are almost always a one-way street, with one individual that’s always trying to control the narrative. By keeping things light, no one has to invest any real energy into the relationship. To not know is to not engage. To simply not talk about it, is the ultimate way to avoid any emotional investment or accountability of any kind.
2. To Self-Protect
To avoid emotional accountability, is the prerequisite of a self-protective mechanism. Allow me to expound. When we offer people emotional reciprocity, that means that we ourselves must engage with their emotions and our own. However, when we lack the emotional stability and depth to understand and be empathetic to others. We can’t effectively receive them in a way that’s also beneficial to us. When you decide to engage with a person on an emotional level, you will eventually have to connect with your higher self as well and this scares some people. This level of emotional intimacy can sometimes push away those who are insecure about themselves. To show up emotionally means to also reveal the parts of yourself that you don’t understand. This is where self-protection comes in. If you’re not secure about who you are, you don’t want others to know too much about you. To be emotionally void is simply a way for individuals to self-protect. They are masters at limiting emotional access.
3. Control
Those who generally prefer superficial relationships will almost always look to control the narrative. That is because to be in control is just one of the ways that one can ensure that a relationship moves on their terms and their terms only. When you’re in control of the way that a relationship is going, it makes it easier to self-protect. Control is the main driver behind the self-protective mechanism. If one can control the narrative, they can control the outcome which in return will keep their emotions safe. At least that’s what they believe. Some people just have to control everything in their lives, and sometimes that also includes you. It’s tough to have control within a fairly balanced relationship and that is why relationships with individuals like this will NEVER have a balance. They simply aren’t meant to.
If you find yourself dealing with an ambivalent person who refuses to dive into any emotional intimacy with you, I would first try to seek their reasonings for being so distant and go from there. After all, nobody is perfect, and we all have things that we need to work on. However, it is my opinion and experience that those who prefer superficial relationships will always prefer just that until their childhood trauma has been recognized and confronted. Believe it or not, healthy relationships can be a trigger for insecure individuals. But we can certainly make a difference in this world by not ostracizing those that may be a little more emotionally immature than ourselves. We should rather be loving and understand them for who they are. We all have flaws; we just need someone that cares enough to help us work through them. I truly hope you enjoyed this article! Until next time =)
Are you dealing with an ambivalent person in your life right now? Let us know in the comments!
