The Goonies of Westeros
A tale as old as time. You need to go on an impossible adventure to capture a living white walker and/or find One-Eyed Willy’s lost loot. Classic. During the final scene in “Eastwatch” I couldn’t help but think that these seven guys reminded me very much of the Goonies gang. Just a merry band of misfits who are going on a zany adventure to save the world/the Goondocks. Sure, the ones in GoT seem to all have legitimate reasons to hate each other and not just because Mikey tied Brand to the chair or Mouth talks too much. But still, the parallels are there and I’ll prove it to you.
1. The Leader: Mikey/Jon
This one is pretty obvious. Mikey is the leader of the Goonies, he is the one who has the most experience with the One-Eyed Willy tale (which is just a bedtime story), nobody believes him, and he is the one to really kick things off. Jon is the same way. He knows the most about the White Walkers (who, ironically, are mostly bedtime stories to the little kids of Westeros), nobody really believes him, and yet he is the one to strike out and lead this charge. I’m really hoping that he gets his first kiss with Brand’s girlfriend out there. A true coming of age tale.
2. The Older Brother: Brand/Jorah
Sure, they aren’t actually related but they have some connection in the way of Jon being in the Night’s Watch and Jorah’s dad being Lord Commander at that time. Jorah is quite experienced, having traveled far and wide throughout the Seven Kingdoms and beyond. Sure he can be a preachy jerk, but he’s our preachy jerk. He’s also only doing this for a girl, much like Brand was for Andy. Ahh the things we do for love. No doubt Jorah will get fed up with the other younger Goonies and they’ll make faces at him behind his back.
3. The Talker: Mouth/Beric
Mouth was a wiseass kid who wouldn’t shut the hell up and now we have Beric who I’ll admit isn’t as much of a wiseass but also does not shut the hell up. So much so that The Hound has to tell him to shut the fuck up. We even see in the previews that Beric gives some long, drawn out speech about the dead. I think it went something like, “ye intruders beware. Crushing death and grief, soaked with blood of the trespassing thief.” I also look forward to the Night King saying, “aren’t you the one they call Mouth” and pulling a string of pearls out of Beric’s mouth.
4. The Inventor: Data/Gendry
Yeah, I know I’m using the term “inventor” loosely with Gendry but come on, he does actually make things. Granted, Data’s shit always breaks so if Gendry really is like Data then that hammer he has isn’t going to do him any good. But hey, once is a while Data gets it right (slick shoes, that sweet camera popping up) so maybe Gendry will do just fine.
5. The Lovable Oaf: Chunk/Tormund
Chunk is the wild card of the bunch and that’s mostly because he’s dumb but you can’t hate the kid. He’s just a lovable idiot who always finds himself in trouble. The same goes for Tormund. He’s just this big oaf of a guy who sometimes gets in over his head but you can’t hate him because he’s just a goof and is funny as hell. Tell me you can’t see Tormund getting locked in a freezer with a stiff because he just wanted to eat endless ice cream. That’s what I thought.
6. The Grotesque Softie: Sloth/The Hound
Oh what a duo these two would make. Both are horribly disfigured in some way and everyone is incredibly terrified of them (and for good reason, they’re both freakishly strong). They get treated like shit by their families and are viewed as simpletons. But deep down, they are both good dudes who end up saving the day. Can’t wait for the inevitable Tormund/Hound team up with a resounding, “HEYYYY YOU GUYYYYYS!”
7. The Faithful Chick: Stef/Thoros
Okay yeah I know its a stretch but dammit I’m running out of characters and I’d say we know the least about Thoros. Hear me out though. He DOES have a man bun so he often looks like a girl. AND he’s the man of faith, being a Red Priest. What does that have to do with Stef? Well if you remember in The Goonies when they are about the move that rock, Stef says, “Brand, God put that rock there for a purpose… and, um… I’m not so sure you should, um… move it…” There you go. Stef reference God, thereby confirming her faith just like Thoros has faith in his Lord of Light. You know what, now I’m really coming around on this. It may be one of the strongest comparisons out of the entire bunch.
So there you have it, the Goonies of Westeros. I’m hoping all goes to plan, they can easily find what they’re looking for, prove the world wrong, and maybe, just maybe, form some lifelong friendships.
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