But I wonder where were you when I was at my worst.
When he was just my best friend, everything seems great. I could tell him everything and anything without him asking. I had nothing to worry about, had nothing to lose. He was my best friend and that was all that mattered. I didn’t had to give my feelings much thought. He could kiss and hug any girl he wants and it wouldn’t really affect me.
Now that he is also my boyfriend, not everything is great. I had to think twice to tell him things. I keep things to myself. I worry that he’ll leave, I worry that he’d find someone better and I worry that I would lose him. The thought of him touching, kissing and hugging someone else – it’s no longer jealousy, just lots of hurting.
I rather lose him now than in the future. I love him so much, more I planned to actually. And I know when the day that I fall much deeper and get more attached than ever – I would have given him my all by then and I can never take it back and all that’s left to blame is myself.
This irrational fear of losing him will always be planted in my mind till a year or two has passed. Until then, all of this is just temporary to me. I know I’m being unfair to someone who has given his all to me yet I still hold back but I’m not risking for history to repeat itself.
I’ve seen people love someone so much, everyone could see it and watch in envy. And I’ve seen the same people fall out of love with that same person, God knows why. I can never fathom why anyone would do that to the person they claim to love with their whole life but whatever it is, I’m not willing to experience that again.
My heart has been crushed and shattered to pieces countless times and I’ve cried way too much for my own good. Even though I’m giving this one last shot, I’m more wary than before and I’m truly sorry. No matter how high I hold my head up or prove to people that I am strong enough to lose someone, I’m not.
I’ve become this frail and fragile girl who is too sensitive to pain. The littlest of things will be excruciating for my heart to handle and I can feel it being crushed and squeezed but then again – with all this experience of bottling things up, i realize that it's a curse because I can’t push myself to tell anyone but at the same time, it’s a blessing because no one would know.
And I know it’s true because it’s been proven too many times, even up till now.