It’s a funny thing.

To hurt by someone you love is one thing but to be hurt by someone who cares about someone you love is another. It’s not the kind of pain where it’s so overwhelming, so excruciating but rather it’s just something where they shoot you right in the heart and you’re dead. So you try to compensate for that ‘emotional death’ and you do whatever you can to match the inside to the outside.

To doubt my love in the middle of the relationship is one thing but to doubt my love from the beginning is something I would never seen it coming. I know I love him and so deeply in love with him, isn’t that why I asked him to be mine in the first place? Why would my heart break and be in so much pain if I didn’t love. Just because I don’t express all this emotions, doesn’t mean I don’t feel them. Because when you were once with someone who teaches you how to hide your weakness, you learnt that and it became a part of me.

I smoked half a box yesterday, something that I’ve never done. I smoked too many sticks on an empty stomach. My body was dying on me as I start to be weaker by the second. It’s a funny thing to know how dying feels like. It feels peaceful, as if no one will hurt you ever again. I was close to collapsing. I didn’t think I would survive that night if I wouldn’t stop vomitting.

There is a reason why I chose not to let anyone understands me fully. I show what I want people to see and have their perspective of me as how I want them to have. They don’t deserve to know so much but to be put down like that – I guess there is a first for everything right?

Then again, maybe I did asked for it. I deserved it, each and every word. So I sincerely thank you. I’ll be down here for awhile until I finally want to get up.

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