Waking up just brings me down

Gonna try to clean up my mind, tackling one thing that I know doesn’t affect anyone at all. My body.

I’ve jumped from disorder to disorder that’s for sure and my body has gone through a lot. And even though I’ve ‘recovered’ from all of them, they still manage to stick around somehow.

I decided to be healthy and getting fit in 2013 when some dickhead decides to break my heart. That was probably one of the happiest moment in my life when I see those abs coming through. Then I started calorie counting and everything just went downhill from there.

Food intake decreases a lot, exercising starts increasing too much and I even started stashing my safe foods in my room. Even food that I do eat, ends up being thrown out. My body system was screwed up (though I really didn’t mind the fact that I missed my periods for a couple of months).

My weight has been going up and down but I’ve always made sure to never reach above 40kg. Food has been a sensitive thing for me ever since and it’s honestly messed up as heck. There’s still a couple of times I’d go less than 500 cals and a couple of times where food gets out.

Every time I look in the mirror, I’m sort of satisfied. (when you start seeing baby abs, who won’t be satisfied?) Yet when I touch my stomach/waist, it’s just…I don’t know. I feel huge, yea I know it’s fucking stupid because I don’t actually have a big waist and there’s no tummy layers. But the fact that I can still grab a whole of fats just drives me nuts.

Since young, I get extremely upset whenever I’m being told to eat, even worse when I’m forced to. I know skipping meals isn’t something one should do but for heck’s sake but eating is not something easy for me to do. When I eat, just be glad that I stopped throw it out.

But don’t get me wrong. I want to be better. I want to eat without having any guilt in me. I want to eat and be happy. I want to eat and know that it is okay.