What It’s like Being Non-Binary in a World That Says You’re Femme
Let me be extremely clear:
I like my body.
I like my face.
I like my voice.
I like my personal style.
What I hate — what I absolutely resent — is that a quick assessment of any of the above results in me being called miss, ma’am, she, her, Ms., pretty lady… I could go on and on. I despise living in an aggressively binary culture that decisively and unrelentingly places me in the feminine camp. And that this camp is so profoundly narrow. That it comes with so many limitations and pitfalls.
“Limiting gender to what it “looks like” is a part of the oppressive function of the gender binary.” -Hari Ziyad, Everyday Feminism
You think #masculinitysofragile? Try being femme-presenting but non-binary… then go to a baby shower in the Deep South. The squeals of joy over tiny, pastel clothes. The daintiness of finger food and thematic napkins. How the subtle variations in floofy dresses, strappy sandals, and painted nails all blend together. That everyone but you owns a curling iron and definitely used it today. Not to mention the pronounced belly you just can’t wrap your mind around — there’s a person in there. Feel it: you don’t belong.
Then deal with the profound mindfuck that is being consistently yet exclusively valued on an aesthetic you reject as valuable. Like how a stranger’s compliment will be delivered — sometimes quite aggressively — about your body; only and always your body, though occasionally veiled in a reference to your clothing.
This happened to me in the women’s bathroom last week:
Co-worker: You should wear dresses more often. I really love that one on you.
Me: Oh… I don’t wear dresses much because I don’t like the attention I get. (Praying she’ll take the hint.)
Co-worker: Oh, get used to it! Plus… you have some killer gams, girlfriend!
I wanted to disappear. I wanted to burst into flames.
Marvel at the bizarre rules and nuances of navigating doorways. Forget, then remember why men awkwardly stand in the elevator until you leave — even if they’re closer to the exit. Or how they hesitate when you arrive at a door first and hold it open for them. Is it a trap?
Try to understand the politics of food — the sheer fuckery that is publicly feeding yourself while femme-presenting but non-binary. The weird congratulations for having an appetite. When your male friend orders a salad but the server gives it to you. The patronizing comments about veganism — as though vegetables themselves can gender you. And for god’s sake, whatever you do, DO NOT EAT AN ICE CREAM CONE WHILE WALKING DOWN THE STREET IN NEW YORK.
And these are the slices, this is my death by a thousand cuts. All of this gives cause to sometimes hate my body, my face, my voice, my personal style… Not because I don’t like the body I live in, but that it’s not really mine in a binary world.
I acutely feel the limitations of language and the narrowness of perception. Every day, the forcing of a false dichotomy. If I walk down the hall with another femme-presenting person, I’m “ladies, how you doing today?” But if I walk with a masculine-presenting person, I’m “good morning.” It’s like being picked for one team or the other in a game of dodgeball, and I’m playing hopscotch… on Saturn.
Gender neutrality is not an option. Yet it is, and it’s mine.
I know I’m a minority voice, but I’m not alone. I know it’s too soon, that the words we use have yet to match the complexity of our identities. I know the world thinks I’m asking too much. But yet I dare this request: I want to be left alone about gender. Please, PLEASE, leave me alone.
Resources and Additional Reading
TransEquality: Understanding Non-Binary People
Gender Queer and Non-Binary Identities
genderspectrum
Everyday Feminism: 3 Reasons Why Folks Who Don’t ‘Look’ Non-Binary Can Still Be Non-Binary
Teen Vogue: What Beauty Standards and Identity Mean to These Trans and Non-Binary Creatives
Bustle: What Does Femme Mean? The Difference Between Being Femme & Being Feminine
The Establishment: Being Femme Is A Radical Act Of Resistance
Also by Just Elise: Queer Abby: Let’s Talk About Pronouns
