Challenging Survival : Survived
Holiday Time, festive time but only in the beginning of those days. When the vacations are 3 months long, you just cannot expect it to be as exciting as a festival. Eventually the era of those Dreadful days begins and start haunting me yet again. This was one heck of a day. The day before’s hangover wasn’t totally over (it was a damn gloomy day, reason remains unknown) and the next day hardly looked any promising. The first bump hit right after the breakfast, when I was headed to a doctor for my navel problem. It seemed so that along with my mental health my physical health had also started giving in. The 5-minute scooter ride with pa was going on pretty well, I was driving, when suddenly I got absolutely confused mid-road creating an embarrassing situation for myself, it was no big deal actually but somehow, I felt terrible for longer than supposed. Anyways, doctor wasn’t available so I landed home quite early and everything seemed normal.
Who knew the day had hit a cat in the bag ready to jump right into my face. It didn’t seem like a day to work (as if it ever does) and so I decided to watch a movie. I opened the BAG and took out the laptop. Out of certain curiosity, ended up checking the pockets and there came the cat. There was a list, a gist, a piece of paper that had couple of things listed over it. I was glad I read it, it inspired me to the core, but I was equally traumatized that I saw the things ticked.
The storm of feelings that hit me is literally indescribable. It wasn’t just about the list, the recent circumstances, my life scenes for the past year, the infinite questions going on the mind, that single question asked by the doctor the day before, those unfortunate short film titles, close friends leaving me alone, getting trapped in my own personal maze, I felt shattered. Things kept on going in my mind and I kept staring here and there. Luckily, I was alone, and nobody saw me like that. I don’t know if I was jealous, or I felt like shit, I was definitely not worried but I somehow felt that whatever I was doing or feeling was totally shit.
I felt like I have been punishing myself for quite some time, and that this was not at all necessary. That one fear that vehemently stood in front of me was now throwing questions right into my face-“Do you have an identity? Are you even true to yourself?”. And I had absolutely no answer to those. I knew I wasn’t headed the right way and severe depression was no far but I had no one to blame and no one to turn to.
The day already seemed a handful to take but it had more to offer and once again, not good. It turned out, that this day doctor was destined to earn Rs.200 from me (that pre-operation time was just too much). We went once again, I hate waiting among the uncivilized and unorganized queues, after one hour came our chance because we were referred to by some other doctor. The doctor seemed learned, asked me to lie down. I obeyed quietly. He did not just observe but pressed all around the area hard, really hard. After observing, immediately & cold-heartedly he announced that there was no other way than the operation. On further enquiry, he stated that the operation would be just like any other, deep (sounded painful even), long, and may get critical. I had 3 days to enjoy the terror with the antibiotics that he gave.
We came home silently. The discussions were pointless and just a formality. We smiled, we talked, we ate, but we all knew what was to come. We may be willing to face it bravely and with open hands, but the fear kept haunting us from the inside. I however, had a lot more to deal with than just that fear. I feared for my life because I lack expression.