Tough times may last, but…
Disclaimer: not trying to sound like your WhatsApp motivator. Lmao. This one is about me.
Today is another day. To find something or nothing. To at least attempt either. I’ve been at my Gmail for way too long, wanting to not be caught off guard when one of the emails I’m expecting pops up. None has. Or one did: an award I didn’t win.
Life has not been the same lately. But it was never the same for me, anyway. I mean stability. So, I’ve not been stable for a while. Financially, mentally, physically and other -allies; I’m just drained, ngl.
Was it when in May, I thought I was strong enough to bear sad news? I was definitely stable before then except that I knew I needed to do better academically. My grades were weak and for the umpteenth time, it was my fault. An escapable misfortune I caused upon myself.
Could it be that the sad news in itself didn’t break me? I probably reacted unintentionally, sought solace where it never was and ended up taking the blame, again. That blame that led to grief in June. But I knew I was already losing you. Your smile always seemed as if your brain processed something different. Something I can guess, but couldn’t be so sure of. Or wasn’t bold to think it was?
Somehow, it probably wasn’t the grief that caused damage. It was when I couldn’t access the internet. I tried to cry. I actually cried a lot in July. Everything around me was fleeting as though it never was. I could not hold a firm grip on anything. Things I used to depend on. For comfort. I slept on the cold tiled floor of my hostel, for so many days, holding my breath and letting tears flow. I couldn’t wail loudly but I wasn’t doing so because of the grief. Losing you was bound. I saw it.
Maybe, I shouldn’t have cashed out my savings. Now, I’m desperately in need of a job or something to keep me just okay and busy. Was it how that I spent the money to repair my phone, twice? A Samsung device for frigging sake! My 27000 mAh Oraimo power bank that got stolen? I bought another one the next day! Or my laptop charger that got burnt? Or how that I confidently resigned from my job but was still going to that workspace at school and living typically? This was August.
I think the problem with me is never realising how I try to escape a bad day. Try to not feel. But they end up wrecking me. Slaughtering me in ways I can’t even expect or foresee.
September was worse. I could still spend recklessly. Funding my mental state. It could have been better if I hadn’t wasted that money to buy lunch that hot Sunday afternoon. I mean, if I knew I was not going to have the appetite. That call instantly soaked life in me and swept me off. I forgot I was alive. I was a walking dead. I still did things that were planned. Hosted two different events every day for 14 days. I was very busy. I was radiant. People loved my hosting skills. People loved my dress. I already finished spending my savings this time and was literally listing friends I’d pay back when I got my allowance. No salary anymore. I begged every day from friends. The night before realising I was lucky to breathe the next day, I’d look through my contact list for someone that could lend me money. Even if it was just 100 naira. Lol.
October, I’m home. At my parents’. I felt as though I was just discharged from the hospital so there were things I was advised to do. And not do. I chose to stay offline regularly. I wasn’t really offline. I only had restrictions. Choosing to not respond to that WhatsApp message. Or scrolling tweets for the day. I was away from so many things. Home wasn’t good too. The call I received the last month had to do with my mum. Home was dry. Everyone else at home tried to stay happy. Home had its own horror.
I’m jobless. I’ve cut people. I’ve been displeased: found out some people didn’t need that pinch of worth I decorated them with. It’s my period of loneliness. It’d always been like this, I just never could realise. My grades came out poor. That call destabilised my focus. But it wasn’t that call that had me like ‘this’. Not being broke, either. I’m still that job-secure-job-seeking undergraduate.
I’m tired. Of the things I’m and not. I’m not a good friend. If I was, I’d have called that one friend when it felt like the trouble started. She always said things to me. Called me every day till I got enough of it and chose to ignore her calls. I was busy with a 9–5 and had events to attend. Had other commitments. Couldn’t relate with people properly. Could never grasp how to respond to people’s messages. Now, everything was a lie. Seemed like they never were.
I still do not know why I started counting bad days since May. But they were truly different from what was normal for me. I was usually an innocent, carefree teen. People saw me and thought I lived the life. I squeezed the misery in me when at a gathering, someone called me “young and getting it”. The rest agreed. They just couldn’t see it all.
People still think like that. I couldn’t think less of that too except that I have life going on. I was excused of so many things based on being distinct, and high-taste or a grand class. I never told anyone I was all of this. I was disconnected from things. So, while I never thought I lived a good one, I also never thought I had a bad one. I was always clinging to something that made me look stable. Meanwhile, I’m a piece of broken material. Shattered everywhere.
Now that I think I have the time for people, I see the ones who go the extra mile to want to please me. I also see the ones who are just okay with telling people they know me. From somewhere. I figured out how to deal with different people now.
Now that I can build relationships intentionally, I’m not in a rush knowing I haven’t lived a bad one entirely. No one can tell only if I did. I’m neither too good nor bad.
Now that I can send tons of applications to companies, it’s okay to fail at the final stage. If in March and April, I didn’t dismiss 3 job offers that I never applied for, only if. They were places that paid better than my ex-job, places I wanted and have dreamt of but was not settling with losing a familiar one. Or that I was not sure how to compete in another environment. Life is struggles and survival, defeats and triumphs.
Nevertheless, what could it have changed? The order of events I listed here now?
I feel renewed. I’m strategically and intentionally building. Letting go of things that don’t matter. Not doing anything I can. If it would mean nothing, then I just can’t do it. Without reason.
I’m 20. I was still 19 last week but my reality now is how it could take a few seconds for ruin to occur. This year welcomed me to new experiences but I feel they had to happen.
This too, is called life.
