What I want when you message me.

Every once in a while, I get brave and post an ad somewhere. And I get immediately swamped by responses. In my latest round, I got more then a dozen responses before I took it down in an hour.

Two days later, I ended the weekend with two open chat windows, and I’ll probably have lunch/coffee/drinks with both of them this week.

Which got me thinking about where the other ones went badly.

All I really want from the pre-first-meeting chats is one thing: I want to know that you have a compatible level of emotional intelligence. That means, among other things:

  • No inappropriate declarations of like/love/lust. If you spent 15 minutes chatting with me and suddenly you can’t stop thinking about me, and you feel the need to tell me that, something’s really wrong. And I’m going to block you, because in my experience that sort of sudden attachment turns into stalking fast.
  • No dick pictures unless I ask. I love dick pictures — when the dick is attached to a person I like. Sometimes I even like random dick pictures, but there are lots of them readily-available on the internet. Sending me a picture of yours out of the blue is almost certainly an inappropriate level of escalation.
  • Along those same lines: asking for nudes before you meet me. Just asking isn’t really a big deal if we’ve already had some sexual conversation. But asking for nudes and sulking when I won’t send them is a total deal-breaker. Just like with dick picts, I love taking NSFW pictures. I love sharing them, too — but not with random people who I don’t know, particularly not NSFW pictures that also have face shots.
  • In general, being sulky. I do have a life. Sometimes I won’t answer a message immediately. Calling me an “<expletive> flake” when I take more then an hour on a Friday night to answer your message gets you blocked. If you can’t be nice for a couple days in IM until you meet me, why would I want to bother?

So, summary: Be nice. Make conversation, the kind you’d make at a party with friends. Don’t be an entitled ass.

Why do so many guys find that so hard?

Show your support

Clapping shows how much you appreciated Jessica S’s story.