Lately, I’ve been thinking about approval. The feeling of needing approval, acceptance, praise. What is it, why do we need it, and does it ever stop?

I’m writing from a position as an artist, where I consciously make the decision to put my art out for the world, with the hope of getting a few people’s approval. I can’t ignore that this wish always exists in my heart, and it would be arrogant and immature of me to deny it. Of course, when I am creating what I create — when I write my music, record my records, pour my thoughts out in a poem and collect them into a book — I really have no thoughts about the world out there and what they will think of it. The need for approval grows afterwards. When I sit on the bus and listen through my new song, recorded and finished, and I’m back to feeling like an 8 year old kid who just painted a sun within the lines, all by myself, and I run to my mom to hold it up, saying “mommy, look what I did!”, hoping for her to say that I am the most talented painter she has ever seen, and then puts it up on the fridge.

Now, of course, the older you get, you become aware of the fact that even though your mom says so, you’re probably not the most talented painter she has ever seen, and you also become aware of the fact that she didn’t put it up on the fridge because it was a beautiful masterpiece, but because she loves you and she’s proud of you — no matter what. And this is where my questions grow. See, I am aware of myself to the point of scrutiny, and I know my flaws and weaknesses, as well as my strengths and pride. I can read people well, developed by years of observing and not daring to connect. I am trying to grow up, become someone with values and integrity, and I am trying to learn how to take criticism as an opportunity to grow. But here’s my confession: I am still that 8 year-old kid, just wanting someone to be proud of me — no matter what. I am wandering, studying, creating, and spend months on albums and books, and I am trying to learn to be critical of myself in order to grow, but still, at the end of the day, I run to the people closest to me, holding up my new painting of the sun within the lines: “Look what I did, all by myself!”, I say with pride, and all I want to hear back is “wow, I’m proud of you, this is worthy of going on the fridge!” I do this knowing that my sun and my paintings, books and songs, might not always be worthy of going on the fridge, but still. Still…

So what I wonder is, do we ever outgrow the need for approval? Do we ever reach a place of constant critical thinking, being content with just the act of creating, never being approved? Because I read things and study thinkers, and it seems to me that they all tell me to stop wishing for approval. Stop chasing the “likes” and retweets, the reblogs and good reviews. That if your confidence is good enough, you don’t need other’s validation. But I’m thinking, isn’t that what makes us human? The childish need for love from a mom, or the attention of someone you admire? When a kid just learns something new, like a trick on the skateboard, and glances over to his older brother to see if he watches, just wanting to prove himself. It’s so incredibly human, and isn’t that pretty beautiful?

So, I’m not sure if I’ve answered my questions, or know what I was asking in the first place, but I’m thinking that I don’t ever want to come to a place where I don’t need anyone’s approval, acceptance or love, because it feels cold. Static. Arrogant. This doesn’t mean that I want to feel the constant need of proving myself, just that I want to always have close people around me, that I will want to run to and hold up my new painting, and know that they will be proud of me — no matter what. The world out there has its critics and reviewers, and that’s important to learn how to handle in order to grow and develop, but still — I ran to show off my new book, held it up with a smile and expectations to the person closest to me, hoping for “I’m proud of you”. And if that person would have turned me down now, because I’m old enough to hear the truth, the magic in my world would have crashed.

So, I hope that you will always have someone to hold up your sun to, and I hope you are the person someone else runs to, to hold up their sun.

In the end we’re all just kids, wanting to be loved.